School jokes, Teacher Jokes

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Here's my interview for med school. 'So, Ken, your GPA's 1.8, no research. Anything you can say about yourself?'
'Uh, yeah, I'm Korean.'
'Stop! Congratulations, you're in.'

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I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics.
Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.
But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol."

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“Johnny, I’ve had a letter from your Principal, said the father.
It seems you’re very careless with your appearance.”
“Am I, Dad?”
“Yes. You haven’t appeared in school since last semester!”

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The pretty young teacher enters the classroom to find “I’ve got the biggest соск in the school” written on the blackboard.
The teacher says, “Alright, who did that?”
Little Johnny immediately put his hand up. “Me, Miss,” he said.
“Right, I want to see you after class”, says the teacher.
Johnny turns to his mate and says, “Who said advertising doesn’t pay?”

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I'm staying with a guy I went to high school with, in a one bedroom, which is oh so private. We got signals on the door just in case one of us has a magazine in the room.

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And regardless of the fact that in this country, certainly in the arts, we treat comedy as a second-class citizen, I’ve never thought of it that way. I’ve always thought it to be important. The last time I looked, the Greeks were holding up two masks. I’ve always thought of it not only as having equal value, but as the craft of it, being funny.
Jeff Daniels
Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they’re down, and when they’re having a good time, I can carry on the joke.
John Krasinski
I direct with energy. I believe in energy. I think energy is an electric thing in actors. I try to inspire, encourage, and make choices with lots of energy. And truth. I’m big fаn of truth and being funny. I like leading 50 people into battle every day.
Matthew Lillard
I got a lot of support from my parents. That’s the one thing I always appreciated. They didn’t tell me I was being sтuрid; they told me I was being funny.
Jim Carrey
I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be rетаrdеd, and jumping around with a deformed hand.
Leonardo DiCaprio
I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny.
Nora Dunn
I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.
Woody Allen
I think you figure out how to be funny by necessity. It’s not a natural thing, being funny in the face of tragedy is kind of demented.
Julie Brown
I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don’t know. I mean, how can you tell?
Andy Warhol
I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things.
Todd Barry
I’d rather not have a moment when I’m known for my looks; being funny and interesting lasts longer.
Kelly Ripa
Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you’re interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.
Dave Chappelle
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I’ve given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
Gilbert Gottfried
Thing is, I’m a funny actor, but I’m not good at being funny. I’m going to ramble for a second: I’m an actor who can make things funny in the moment, like in stakes or in circumstances or out of character.
Matthew Lillard
To all the girls out there who think being funny is not sеxy, you are wrong!
Chad Michael Murray
When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn’t about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.
Paul Merton

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As a photographer, imagine my delight when I got a job to photograph pupils at a predominantly Chinese school.
I made a fortune, and only had to take one photo.

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What are dentists?
People who failed medical school!

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News: A schoolgirl who jumped out of a car just before it rolled off a cliff said she is “so lucky” to be alive.
So that’s the best women can do, getting out of the slowly moving car before it’s destroyed by a 250m fall…
Turn the steering wheel love.

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Boy: Dad, I got expelled from school.
Dad: WHAT?!?! WHY?!
Boy: A kid said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
Dad: So?
Boy: So I threw a dictionary at him.
Dad: That's my boy.

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When the teacher told us to take a break I said can I take a break from school

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The professor said, “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow for the midterm exam. I might consider something like a car crash, or a death in the family, but that’s all.”
A student in the back of the room asked “What if I am suffering from complete sеxuаl exhaustion?”
The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the professor said, “Well, I guess you will have to write the exam with your other hand.”

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Little Johnny was learning about government at school so his teacher told him to ask they're parents what the government is. Little Johnny asked his dad what the government was and his dad said that there is the president, congress, work force, people and the future. He explained that dad is president, mom is the congress, the maid is the work force, he is the people and his brother is the future. Johnny still didn't get it so his dad asked him to sleep and maybe by tomorrow he'll know what the government is. In the middle of the night little Johnny woke up because he heard his brother crying. He found out that he had pooed in his pants so he went to ask for help. His mom was asleep so he went downstairs to find his dad. His dad was having sеx with the maid. "Now I know what the government is, the congress is asleep, the president is sсrеwing the works force, know one cares about the people and the future is full of сrар.

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The teacher asked Little Johnny why he brought his cat to school. …
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Little Johnny replied, “Because my dad told my mom he’s going to eat that рussy when the kids go to school…. I’m trying to save my cat!”

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What do you call a group of fish jumping rope?
Skipping School.

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You do comedy when you're like me. When you're Swedish and black, and you look like a Puerco Rican, and you mom's a Jehovah's Witness, who loves country western music, sends your black and white аss to an Irish Catholic school -- you've got some problems, right guys?

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The day before my high school graduation, the principal called an assembly. He wanted to say farewell informally, he explained, as he reviewed our years together.
There was hardly a dry eye among us as he concluded, "We will remember you, and hope you will remember us. More importantly, we want you to remember each other. I want all of you to meet in this very auditorium 25 years from today."
There was a moment of silence. Then a thin voice piped up, "What time?"

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At school I had the nickname ‘Slugger’
I wasn’t hard or anything, I just used to pull the shells off snails.

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