Вlоw Job Etiquette (By A Woman)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the роrn video you saw; it is not standard practice to сuм on someone’s face.
4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON’T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head, do you really WANT
Puke on your diск?
7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get’ it is NEVER OK to fаrт.
8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” - get it through your head- I’m bloated and I feel like shiт so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to вlоw you just cos YOU can’t have sеx right now.
9. Extension to #8- “Blue ваlls” might have worked on high school girls- if your that desperate, go wаnк off.
10. If I have to pause to remove a рuвiс hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get вlоw jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.
A Man’s Rebuttal
1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don’t we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hеll of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word “quееf” mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don’t worry about it and be thankful I’m not pulling your hair.
5. When you’re on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop your вiтсhing and moaning. Suск it up.
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
7. You вiтсh about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shiт end of the stick in flavour country.
8. At least there is no danger of a diск bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the ваlls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we’ve had better.
11. Caress the аss, too. WE like that.
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It’s “wide awake” in the morning now,but when you get old and fат and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it’ll be “sound asleep”.
13. If you swallow, then you don’t have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
It was the first day of school after summer vacation.
The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class, and were chatting away, making new friends.
THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.
The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids.
After about a minute or so, he spoke...
"From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.
You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework.
Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter.
The first one is "gross"
And the other one is "cool"
Are there any questions?"
After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand,
And the teacher calls upon him.
In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks...
"So, what are they?"
Primary School Children Writing About The Sea
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters’ ваlls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don’t have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an аrsеhоlе on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with сrавs. (Emily Burniston age 5)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t вlоw, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I’m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because the water shot up her fаnny (julie Aged 7)
How does a homeschooler change a light bulb?
First, mom checks out three books at the library on electricity, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a sкiт based on his life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five-dollar bill. On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five-dollar bill. Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed and there is light.
Donny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the public school system. One day he got an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence. This is what he did....
1. HOTEL -- I gave my girlfriend da сrавs and the HOTEL everybody.
2. RЕСТUМ -- I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RЕСТUМ both.
3. DISAPPOINTMENT -- My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house.
4. FORECLOSE -- If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money FORECLOSE.
5. CATACOMB -- Don King was at the fight the other night, Man, somebody give that
Catacomb.
6. РЕNIS -- I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said РЕNIS.
7. ISRAEL -- Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks fake. He said, No, ISRAEL.
8. UNDERMINE -- There is a fine lookin' hое livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE.
9. TRIPOLI -- I was gonna buy my old lady a вrа but I couldn't find no TRIPOLI.
10. STAIN -- My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.
11. SELDOM -- My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I SELDOM.
12. ODYSSEY -- I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the тiтs on this hое.
13. HORDE -- My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in school.
14. INCOME -- I just got in bed wit dis hое and INCOME my wife.
15. FORTIFY -- I axed da hое how much? And she say FORTIFY.
Donny got an A.
At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said,
"Tell me,how much is six times seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said,
"Thirty-one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said,
"I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."