There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Some of these are excellent ...
What is your date of birth?
July fifteenth.
What year?
Every year.
What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Yes.
And what were you doing at that time?
She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there any girls?
How was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
By whose death was it terminated?
Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male, or a female?
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
All your responses must be оrаl, OK? What school did you go to?
Oral.
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
The autopsy started around 8:30 p. M.
And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
He said,
"Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
My name is Susan.
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
No.
Did you check for breathing?
No.
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
No.
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
And regardless of the fact that in this country, certainly in the arts, we treat comedy as a second-class citizen, I’ve never thought of it that way. I’ve always thought it to be important. The last time I looked, the Greeks were holding up two masks. I’ve always thought of it not only as having equal value, but as the craft of it, being funny.
Jeff Daniels
Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they’re down, and when they’re having a good time, I can carry on the joke.
John Krasinski
I direct with energy. I believe in energy. I think energy is an electric thing in actors. I try to inspire, encourage, and make choices with lots of energy. And truth. I’m big fаn of truth and being funny. I like leading 50 people into battle every day.
Matthew Lillard
I got a lot of support from my parents. That’s the one thing I always appreciated. They didn’t tell me I was being sтuрid; they told me I was being funny.
Jim Carrey
I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be rетаrdеd, and jumping around with a deformed hand.
Leonardo DiCaprio
I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny.
Nora Dunn
I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.
Woody Allen
I think you figure out how to be funny by necessity. It’s not a natural thing, being funny in the face of tragedy is kind of demented.
Julie Brown
I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don’t know. I mean, how can you tell?
Andy Warhol
I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things.
Todd Barry
I’d rather not have a moment when I’m known for my looks; being funny and interesting lasts longer.
Kelly Ripa
Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you’re interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.
Dave Chappelle
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I’ve given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
Gilbert Gottfried
Thing is, I’m a funny actor, but I’m not good at being funny. I’m going to ramble for a second: I’m an actor who can make things funny in the moment, like in stakes or in circumstances or out of character.
Matthew Lillard
To all the girls out there who think being funny is not sеxy, you are wrong!
Chad Michael Murray
When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn’t about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.
Paul Merton
Little Johnny was late for class, and when he saw that the door was already closed, he opened it and went into the classroom tentatively. He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat hoping not to get the teacher after him. This upset the teacher, who said him, "Johnny, is this how your father would have come in - late and sneaking to his seat? Go out and try it again, and get it right this time!"
So, Little Johnny left the room and shut the door behind him quietly, as he'd come in. Then a moment later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room. He slammed the door behind him, "So Honey, didn't expect ME, didya?"