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Вицове за Коли и Шофьори, Авто English Auto Witze, AutoWitze, Motorra... Chistes de coches, Chistes de ... Шутки про машины и водителей Blagues sur les Voitures, Blag... Barzellette sulle macchine e s... Ανέκδοτα για αυτοκίνητα και οδ... Вицеви за коли и возачи Şoför Fıkraları Анекдоти - Автомобільні Piadas sobre carros e motorist... Żarty o samochodach i kierowca... Bilskämt Auto moppen, Chauffeu Vittigheder om biler og chauff... Bilvitser Autovitsit, Rattijuopot, Rekka... Autós viccek, Motoros viccek, ... Bancuri Soferi Vtipy o autech a řidičích Anekdotai apie vairuotojus, An... Anekdotes par auto un notikumi... Vicevi o automobilima i vozači...
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Car and driving jokes

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A farmer is in the middle of plowing his field when his tractor runs out of gas. He needs to get back to the farm, but it's too far for him and his dog, Old Joe, to walk.
He wanders out to the road and flags down a sports car. The driver says, "I'll give you a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."
The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."
The driver decides to show off and open up the engine for max speed. Just as he's going into fifth gear, he looks out the window and sees Old Joe right beside him. In amazement, he slams on the brakes and Old Joe comes to a halt.
The driver jumps out, exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! Is there something special about that collar he's wearing?"
The farmer shakes his head and says, "That's not a collar. That's his a**hole. He's not used to stopping that fast."
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Германија… Во Германија било многу убаво Двама руснака си говорят на следобедна водка: Un Anglais Un États-Unien Spotyka się dwóch Ukraińców i jeden mówi do drugiego: - Stary
A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.
The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."
The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."
The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."
The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."
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A guy gets pulled over for speeding on a rainy day.
The cop says, "Isn't it kind of sтuрid to be driving so fast in this weather?"
The driver says, "Who's sтuрid? I'm dry in my car. You're the one who's standing out in the rain."
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It was a white lady in a convertible with the convertible down - I walked past; she locked the door.
I smacked her in the back of the head.
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Harry and Martha drank their coffee as they listened to the morning weather report.
"There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.
Two days later, they sat down with their cup of coffee and listened the weather forecast.
"There will be two to four inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.
Three days later, they tuned in to the weather report.
"There will be six to eight inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the... ." The power went off.
He said to Martha, "What am I going to do now?"
Martha said, "Just leave the car in the garage."
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Two ladies, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from?"
The Yankee replies, "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."
Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and asks, "So, where y'all from, вiтсh?"
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NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut on board. After months of training, they placed all three in the shuttle and prepared for launch.
Mission Control Center announced, "This is Mission Control to Monkey One. Do your stuff."
The first monkey began frantically typing and the shuttle took off.
Two hours later, NASA's mission control center announced, "This is Mission Control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff."
The second monkey started typing like mad and the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.
Another two hours later Mission Control Center announced, "This is Mission Control to Astronaut... "
At this, the astronaut shouted "I know, I know - feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."
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Plane: How do you fly so fast?
Rocket: You'll know when your аss is on fire.
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On the drive over to his girlfriend's house, a guy listens to a call-in sеx show on the radio. The host is explaining that маsтurватing before sеx can help men last longer. The guy decides to give it a try.
He pulls his truck over on the side of the highway, gets out and crawls underneath. Satisfied with the privacy, he undoes his pants, closes his eyes and starts to маsтurвате.
Close to оrgаsм, he feels a tap on the bottom of his boot. Not wanting to lose his fantasy when he's so close, he squeezes his eyes shut tighter and stammers, "J-just checking the r-rear a-axle. Almost g-got it!"
"Well, you might as well check your brakes while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
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W & Y To tattoo Jamaica Τα Τατουάζ. Един пич много обичал приятелката си Un gryngo se hizo un tatuaje en el pene que decía WENDY Willy Weinlaub lässt sich in sein Um viajante japonês estava nos EUA onde arruma uma namorada cujo nome é Wendy. Em homenagem à namorada dele Ein Typ hat ne Freundin namens WENDY. Aus liebe lässt er sich ihren Namen auf den Schnidel tätowieren. Im schlaffen Zustand ist allerdings nur WY zu lesen. Auf einem Bahnhofsklo trifft er beim... Die deutsche Urlauberin hat sich einen gut gebauten Det var ett europeiskt par som skulle åka på smekmånad till Bahamas. Mannen ville göra tjejen lite glad så han tatuerade han in hennes namn Ein Amerikaner A black guy was walking naked on the beach at the nudists. He's got tattooed on his dick his wife's name WENDY. Suddenly he sees a white guy with something written on his dick and asks him: You... Un uomo si fa tatuare sul pisello il nome della sua fidanzata Wendy A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says Er komt nen Belgische toerist in een Jamaicaans café en bestelt iets om te drinke. Voor hij vertrekt gaat hij nog naar de wc. Daar begint ie te pissen. Plots komt er daar een pekzwarte rasechte Bob... Un italiano è fidanzato e per far vedere che la ama scrive il suo nome "Wendy" nelle parti intime; dopo un po va in Giamaica e va in bagno ed il ragazzo guarda il vicino che sta pisciando e vede... Inskickad av Magnus. Tack för bidraget ;-) En man hade tatuerat in sin frus namn N gringo tenía una novia llamada WENDY y estaba bien enamorado por lo que decidió tatuarse en el **** el nombre de su novia. Cuando el **** estaba tranquilo Κάποιος τύπος είναι τρελά ερωτευμένος με μια Αγγλίδα που τη λένε Wendy και τη γνώρισε το καλοκαίρι στη θάλασσα. Τέτοια είναι η τρέλα του που αποφασίζει και κάνει στο πέος του τατουάζ με το όνομα... Bula avea tatuat pe instrument “Wendy”. Se duce el in Miami… si cum statea el in apa
A guy surprises his fiancee by having her name tattooed on his реnis. In flowing script it says, "Wendy."
On their Jamaican honeymoon, he uses a public bathroom and sees a Jamaican man who seems to have the same name tattooed on his реnis. The husband asks, "So your girl's name is Wendy, too?"
The guy looks down at his реnis and says, "No, once de wrinkles come out, it says, 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon! Have a nice day.'"
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A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to вlоw into a breathalyzer."I can't do that, officer - I'm an asthmatic. I could hae an asthma attack if I вlоw into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urinе sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I рее in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunк."
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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.
The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to кill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over - the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.
The chief screams, "What are you doing?"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a**hole!"
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Q: Why does a traffic light turn red?
A: If you had to change in front of everyone, you'd turn red, too.
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A cheap tourist in a Mexican town known for prostitution picks up a hоокеr.
After paying her, he drives off, shouting back, "El dollar, counterfeito!"The рrоsтiтuте smiles and shouts back, "El syphilis, originale!"
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Q: What do a Kenworth semi-truck and a test tube baby have in common?
A: Neither one's Peterbilt.
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A young boy sits on the edge of the sidewalk, eats some M&Ms, cuts off the back end of a grasshopper, and then moves down the curb. He does this over and over.
His mother asks him what he's doing. He says, "I'm playing trucker. I pop some pills, cut off some a**hole and keep moving."
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An elderly couple sets sail on a romantic cruise. Unfortunately, as the ship leaves the dock, the wife's hearing aid falls out and rolls overboard. Then, the old couple find bunk beds in their suite. The husband sourly thinks, "Dамn! She can't hear a thing AND no sеx for a week!"
That night, the husband taps his wife on the shoulder and asks, "Up or down?"
She immediately throws him on the bed and makes love to him.
Night after night, she repeats this behavior every time he asks "up or down?"
When they get home, the husband goes out shopping for bunk beds to keep things spicy.
The wife returns with her new hearing aid and finds the bunk beds in the bedroom. "What in the hеll did you get bunk beds for?"
"Every night I asked you 'up or down,' you made wild passionate love to me. I thought they turned you on."
"Is that what you were saying? I thought you were asking 'f**k or drown!'"
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A man sits next to a very attractive woman on an airplane.
He asks her what kind of men she is interested in.
Her top three choices are Native American men, Jewish men and Southern men. The woman asks the man what his name is.
He replies "Geronimo Bernstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
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