Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes

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An Irishman is really, really drunк, so the bar keeper walks up to him and says:
"Right, you've had enough, go home..."
So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says:
"Ok, ai'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more"
He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home.
When he gets home he opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his face.
So he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away.
The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've been drinking again haven't you?'
The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?'
His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!'

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A man walks into a bar and orders a triple brandy with a double whisky chaser.
‘You know I shouldn’t really be drinking like this with what I’ve got,’ says the man to the barman.
‘Why? What have you got?’ asks the barman. ‘Fifty pence,’ replies the man.

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An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunк who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.
He leaned closer while the drunк held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic."
Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked,
"What do you have there?"
The drunк replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunк handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it.
"Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is.
Where did you get it?"
The drunк replied, "Out of my nose!"

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This Refrigeration Truck Driver goes into the bar and he asks the bartender "I'd like to have a shot of Gin."
The bartender decides to have some fun with him.
So the bartender says "All right, what kind of gin would you like?"
The trucker said "You mean there's more than one kind of gin?"
Bartender says "Sure. You've got Hydrogen, Oxyogen, and Nitrogen."
The trucker said "Oh!!!! Well, did you know there are three kinds of turds?"
Bartender says "What do you mean three kinds of turds?"
Trucker says "Well, you've got Mustard, Custard, and you, you big shiт. Now give me my gin."

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A Russian captain is trying to explain to his comrades the effects of atomic bombs:
"Now, imagine 20 no, 40, no... a 100 cases of vоdка and noone to drink them!"

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There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunк.
The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another вееr, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunк to be served another drink.
The man leaves.
He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a вееr.
A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before.
The man leaves.
He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a вееr.
The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunк and to get a ride home and leave his bar.
He leaves.
He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him.
"I told you already, you are way to drunк, you can not have another вееr! Get out of my bar!"
Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers.
The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual.
"Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the вееr. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing.
The bartender watches him go through the same ritual.
Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia.
We have our birthdays on the same day.
We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other.
We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers.
The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "so which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

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A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...
He notices a crate of вееr bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of вееr.
He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".

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Don't type "Chuck Norris" on Monster Milktruck, your milk will turn into вееr.

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Carl was talking to a girl in a New York City bar. He asked,
"Can I get you a drink?"
The girl replied, "Certainly."
Carl then asked,
"What would you like?"
The girl said,
"Champagne."
Carl then asked,
"Why Champagne?"
The girl replied, "Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth."
Curious, Carl asked her, "What if I just buy you a draft вееr?"
The girl replied, "I'll cut wet farts all night."

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They say whisky and petrol don’t mix.
They do, but it doesn’t taste nice.

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Chuck Norris doesn't get drunк.
He simply lowers his IQ to yours.

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A man goes into a pub and says, ‘I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.’
The barman turns and shouts into the kitchen, ‘Oi, Doris!
Someone to see you!’

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Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

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I drink so much alcohol I’m afraid to smoke.

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A man walks into a nearly empty bar and orders a drink. He's sitting alone at the end of the bar, sipping away, and he hears a voice.
"Nice shirt."
He looks around and sees no one nearby. He forgets about it and continues drinking.
"Nice tie," the voice says again.
He looks around a second time. The bartender and all other customers are at the other side of the room. Confused, the man calls the bartender over and asks about the mysterious voice that admired his clothing.
"Oh, that's the peanuts," the bartender said.
"The peanuts?" asked the man.
"Yeah, they're complimentary."

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One cure for a cold consists of three shots of whisky.
There are better remedies, but most people don’t want to hear them.

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A gent is sitting alone at the bar in Caesers Palace.
A Jewish hоокеr comes over to him and asks him if he would like some company.
"How much, honey?"
"$800."
"800???"
"Are you crazy? Every other woman that came over wanted $400!"
The Jewish hоокеr thought about it for a second and then replied, "Ok, I’ll do it for $400, but I want you to know I’m not making anything on it!"

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