Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes
Three guys are riding in their truck while drinking вееr, having a good ol' time.
The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over.
The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers?
We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says,
"Just do this: pull the label off of your вееr bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."
So they all pull the labels off their вееr bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads.
The policeman walks up and says,
"You boys were swerving down the road.
Have you been drinking?"
The driver says,
"Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."
Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:[Check all those that apply]___ Your вrеаsтs are вiggеr than mine.___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been atMcDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.___ Your inadvertent admission that you 'buy condoms by thetruckload' indicates that you may be interested in me for somethingother than my personality.___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i. E., I asked you 20 questionsabout yourself before you asked me one.___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants,then you can't GET into my pants.___ Your 'Putting on a few, aren't you ваве?' comment, given the9-months pregnant size of Your Own вееr gut, was inappropriate.___ You failed the credit check.___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned revealsan inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.___ The phrase 'My Mother' has popped up far too often inconversation.___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to getyour High School dipolma, are slight negatives.___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.___ Your gift of a 2oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds , showed style.___ Three final words.... Size does matter. Sincerely,[Your name here]
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the teacher while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
He then put the second worm into the whiskey.
It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" he asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whisky and you won't get worms."