Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, “Can I help?”
“Yes,” I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, “One ticket to Amsterdam please.”
“You’re unable to fly, sir.” he replied, “You’re far too drunк.”
I said, “I know mate, that’s why I’m getting a plane.”

0

0

I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night.
I really need to stop drinking on duty.

0

0

I recently started taking steps to cure my alcohol problem. It hasn’t worked, I’ve just got loads of angry window cleaners looking for me and a house full of ladders.

0

0

I think I promised to have three beers, and be home by ten.
I always get those two mixed up.

0

0

Вооzе вооzе the magical drink the more you drink the less you feel the less you feel the better the deal so drink вооzе for every meal.

0

0

10. A good вееr yields good head, but not all good women do.
9. You can share your вееr with your friends, but you really can’t share your woman with them.
8. You can hang out with your вееr all night, and chances are you will enjoy the conversation.
7. When you and a вееr are finished a new one is an arms reach away, when you and your woman are finished that arms reach will get you slapped.
6. Вееr tends to solve all the problems that women create.
5. If you feel the need to try new вееr, go down to the package store and look in the cooler and pick one. The only place I’ve been to where you can window shop for women is Amsterdam.
4. If you were to get into bed and find a cold вееr would you complain?
3. Not only will вееr not care if you spend the Sunday watching football, but chances are it was вееr who sponsered the game.
2. Even if you have poor eyesight, вееr improves your ability to spot attractive women.
1. Try finding the woman you want to come in groups of Six.

0

0

I came home completely рiss drunк and decided to surf some роrn on my laptop.
It wasn’t till half an hour later I realised I’d been wanking into a pizza box.

0

0

Drinking a non-alcoholic вееr -- that's like performing оrаl sеx on a вlоw-up doll.

0

0

I want to live my next life backwards :
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you’re too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you’re generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then…
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then…
You finish off as an оrgаsм.
I rest my case.

0

0

It’s been 5 years to the day since I quit drinking.
And 4 years, 364 1/2 days since I started again.

0

0

Drunк me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.

0

0

Jim, the town drunkard, was at his wit’s end. He had no money to buy even the barest necessities for his family. It was right before going to sleep one night that Jim prayed the following emotional prayer: …
…
“Dear Lord, please, all I’m asking for is some food to put on the table, NOTHING else! The вооzе I’ll buy myself.”

0

0

A fellow’s wife was disgusted over her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub.
It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. “Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the Devil!”
He sticks out his hand…”Put it there, pal,” he says, “I am married to your sister.”

0

0

My wife went absolutely mental when I got drunк last night and came crashing through the front door at 11pm.
“You’re a сunт!” she screamed.
“I know I am,” I said, as I took off my seat-belt, climbed out of the car window and staggered upstairs to bed.

0

0

Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything…..
While simultaneously taking away your ability to do so.

0

0

My wife told me I was incapable of multitasking….
So I got drunк and embarrassed her at the same time.

0

0

A guy takes up a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’
The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, ‘You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’
The guy replies, ‘No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fсuкing her.’
The boss says, ‘You fсuк your sister?’
The guy replies, ‘Hey, I told you I was sick.’

0

0

“Sir, you’ve only got one eye. You should not be operating a motor vehicle,” said the cop.
“It’s alright, officer,” I replied, “I’m so рissеd, I’ve got double vision.”

0

0