Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon and with great expression, he said,
"If I had all the вееr in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said,
" And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He then sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
Tuna, again??
Seymour was a good and pious Irishman, and when he passed away, the Lord Himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.
“Hungry, Seymour?” the Lord asked.
“I could eat,” said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into hеll and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries, Guinness Stout and good Irish whiskey.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, “I could eat.”
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, 100year-old French brandy, and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
Meekly, Seymour said, “Lord, I am very happy to be be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. In the other place, they eat like Kings. I just don’t understand.”
“To be honest, Seymour,” the Lord said, “for just two people, does it pay to cook?”
At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew asked the wise old Rabbi:
“Rabbi, why do people hate Jews so much?” The Rabbi thinks for a while and says “That is an interesting question. We will all talk about it tomorrow over some vоdка! Each one of you shall bring a bottle of fine vоdка, so we can mix it all up in a big vessel and drink, discuss, and then the answer will be clear.” …
…
The young Jew went home and thought to himself “if everyone else is going to bring a bottle of vоdка, I’ll just bring a bottle of water and no one will be the wiser.”
Next day the young Jew showed up with a vоdка bottle filled with water, anxious to see what answer the Rabbi would provide to his question. The Rabbi started to pour all the vоdка together in a vessel and began stirring it. The young Jew got impatient - “Please, Rabbi! What is the answer to my question? Why do people hate us so much?”
The Rabbi then filled a cup, gave it to the young Jew and said “Drink this now!”
The young Jew drank the cup and said “But this is just water!” And the Rabbi said, “and that is why the people hate us”