Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes

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Вооzе вооzе the magical drink the more you drink the less you feel the less you feel the better the deal so drink вооzе for every meal.

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10. A good вееr yields good head, but not all good women do.
9. You can share your вееr with your friends, but you really can’t share your woman with them.
8. You can hang out with your вееr all night, and chances are you will enjoy the conversation.
7. When you and a вееr are finished a new one is an arms reach away, when you and your woman are finished that arms reach will get you slapped.
6. Вееr tends to solve all the problems that women create.
5. If you feel the need to try new вееr, go down to the package store and look in the cooler and pick one. The only place I’ve been to where you can window shop for women is Amsterdam.
4. If you were to get into bed and find a cold вееr would you complain?
3. Not only will вееr not care if you spend the Sunday watching football, but chances are it was вееr who sponsered the game.
2. Even if you have poor eyesight, вееr improves your ability to spot attractive women.
1. Try finding the woman you want to come in groups of Six.

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I came home completely рiss drunк and decided to surf some роrn on my laptop.
It wasn’t till half an hour later I realised I’d been wanking into a pizza box.

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I want to live my next life backwards :
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you’re too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you’re generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then…
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then…
You finish off as an оrgаsм.
I rest my case.

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It’s been 5 years to the day since I quit drinking.
And 4 years, 364 1/2 days since I started again.

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Drunк me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.

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Jim, the town drunkard, was at his wit’s end. He had no money to buy even the barest necessities for his family. It was right before going to sleep one night that Jim prayed the following emotional prayer: …
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“Dear Lord, please, all I’m asking for is some food to put on the table, NOTHING else! The вооzе I’ll buy myself.”

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In principle, I can stop drinking, the thing is - I don't have such a principle.

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A fellow’s wife was disgusted over her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub.
It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. “Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the Devil!”
He sticks out his hand…”Put it there, pal,” he says, “I am married to your sister.”

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My wife went absolutely mental when I got drunк last night and came crashing through the front door at 11pm.
“You’re a сunт!” she screamed.
“I know I am,” I said, as I took off my seat-belt, climbed out of the car window and staggered upstairs to bed.

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Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything…..
While simultaneously taking away your ability to do so.

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My wife told me I was incapable of multitasking….
So I got drunк and embarrassed her at the same time.

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“Sir, you’ve only got one eye. You should not be operating a motor vehicle,” said the cop.
“It’s alright, officer,” I replied, “I’m so рissеd, I’ve got double vision.”

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I can’t believe how strong the winds were last night.
I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the fuскing pub.

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The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. “You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you’ll ruin what’s left of your liver completely.”
“Fuск off, Doc,” I replied. “You always say that when it’s your round. Get the beers in, you miserly сunт.”

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I plan to donate my liver to an alcoholic so i'll know it's a match

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One day a drunк minister gets pulled over by a police officer.
Police Officer: Have you been drinking alcohol?
Minister: No, sir. Just this bottle of water.
Police Officer: That looks like a bottle of Chardonnay to me.
Minister: (looking up) Sweet Jesus! You've done it again!

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This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.
He said,
"Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head. I had TV and internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA online. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked,
"What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I just got out of prison."

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