Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes
White women
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grоре all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sеx, but only in the missionary position.
Irish women
First Date: You both get blind drunк and have sеx.
Second Date: You both get blind drunк and have sеx.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunк and have sеx.
Italian women
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mum makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sеx, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sеx.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
Jewish women
First Date: You get dynamite оrаl sеx.
Second Date: You get more great оrаl sеx.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and you never get оrаl sеx again.
Chinese women
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing hapens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
Indian women
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
Black women
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.
Mexican women
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunк on tequila, and have sеx in the back of her car.
Second Date: She’s pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father’s girlfriend’s mother, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and his three kids move in … and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
The POINT?
Don’t you just love irish women?
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.
The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, “And why don’t you get me a whisky you вiтсh.”
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot’s outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man’s cup of coffee.
As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, “And get me another whisky you sluт.”
Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot’s whisky but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, “I’ve asked you twice for a cup of coffee wеnсh, I expect you to get it for me right now or I’m going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!”
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.
Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a lippy ваsтаrd… “
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He had been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, have you ever danced?”
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, “Well you old fool, you are gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun. The old man asked, “Did you ever kiss a mule square on the аss?”
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “N-n-n-n-o. B-b-but I’ve always wanted to.”
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “Alright then” and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says “Alright then” and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The Scotsman says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “Hey where is your big black beard?”
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, “Secret Service!