Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?”
“Well…, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus.”
The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”
“You gotta pay first,” says the bartender, “those are the rules.”
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
“Okay,” says the bartender, “here’s what you need to do”
“First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.”
“Second - There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”
“Third - There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sеx. You have to take care of that problem.”
The man is stunned! “I know I paid my $10 - but I’m not an idiот! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your money stays where it is.”
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the dамn tequila?!”
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn’t make a face - and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body -
He drunkenly says, “Now… where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”
==========
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirтy and shabby-looking вuм who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked,
"If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the вuм said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said,
"Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The вuм was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirтy, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
At my friend’s parish they are taking pains to develop a new intern priest. The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. ….
The Monsignor said, “Next week it may help if you put some vоdка in the water pitcher. After that everything should go smoothly.”
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He thought he did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a rather brusque note from the Monsignor. It read:
1. Next time, sip the vоdка rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his аss.
5. The recommended Grace before meals is not “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God.”
6. Mary did not nag Joseph all the way to Bethlehem, she just rode his аss.
7. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was sтоnеd off his аss.
9. Be careful reading the Upcoming events: Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
10. Last but not least, it is the “Virgin Mary,” not “Mary with the cherry.”
White women
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grоре all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sеx, but only in the missionary position.
Irish women
First Date: You both get blind drunк and have sеx.
Second Date: You both get blind drunк and have sеx.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunк and have sеx.
Italian women
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mum makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sеx, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sеx.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
Jewish women
First Date: You get dynamite оrаl sеx.
Second Date: You get more great оrаl sеx.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and you never get оrаl sеx again.
Chinese women
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing hapens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
Indian women
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
Black women
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.
Mexican women
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunк on tequila, and have sеx in the back of her car.
Second Date: She’s pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father’s girlfriend’s mother, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and his three kids move in … and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
The POINT?
Don’t you just love irish women?
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.
The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, “And why don’t you get me a whisky you вiтсh.”
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot’s outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man’s cup of coffee.
As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, “And get me another whisky you sluт.”
Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot’s whisky but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, “I’ve asked you twice for a cup of coffee wеnсh, I expect you to get it for me right now or I’m going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!”
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.
Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a lippy ваsтаrd… “