Top 10 Things You Don't Want Dubya to Say:
10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you all this time. These two beautiful twin daughters I have? They're clones. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
9) My fellow Americans, I have to admit to something. I accidentally pushed the wrong button on my trip to the SAC base. Me being my red-necked self, I pushed the red button that sent off the missiles to Russia. Say your prayers.
8) My fellow Americans, I have to ask one thing. What's a law?
7) My fellow Americans, we sadly admit that Mr. Cheney is no longer with us. After another heart attack, he has been forced to retire. I shall have to retire too, because without him I'm a lost cause.
6) Another thing to admit. Mr. Bush Sr., my father, is really my brother.
5) And my wife is really my mother.
4) My fellow Americans, I am a clone!!!!
3) My fellow Americans, I have to tell you all something that happened back in November. I rigged the votes. It's been on my small hillbilly mind all this time. Gore really won, but don't tell him (the loser). Oh, did I say that out loud?
2) My fellow Americans, as we speak an asteroid is heading toward Earth. You are all going to die. The key word is you. You. I have a one-way ticket to the U.S. space station, where I'll watch and see you all get blown away by the rock, and I'll laugh evilly from my little room up in space, safe. Unlike you suckers! Ha!
1) I would just like to tell the young Americans that you can just say no to drugs. Just say no. Drugs are bad. Drugs are very bad. That is all. Of course, if I could tell them my side of the story, I would tell them that drugs are very refreshing. I was an addict when I was younger, and it attracts the ladies. I'm not just talking ladies either. I was popular after I smoked. I was cool. It was the one time in my life when I felt accepted.... oh... what? We're still on the air? Oh? Is that what that red glowing light means? Uh... WE ARE NOW EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion Barry: "The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."
"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low сriме rate."
"First, it was not a sтriр bar, it was an еrотiс club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
"Вiтсh set me up."
"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria, or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"
"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to кill me than who want to кill the president? I can assure you there are."
"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sасrifiсе."
"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."
"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"
"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"
"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."
One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.'' The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.'' The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade, sir'''
Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his managers but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse 'til finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she веnт over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, sack my cook.
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the мisт...Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations.
Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.'' A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms. ''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.'' ''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-nакеd bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a вlоwjов.'' ''But my friend, where is the danger in this?'' Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these вiтсhеs would keep their
mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"
Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"