Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

Young kids use a dating app on their phones.
Older kids use a dating website on their computers.
Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates.
Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events.
Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.

73 1

Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner and a light conversation about all things family.
"I just can't stand my mother-in-law," sighs one.
"That's quite understandable," nods the other one, "why don't you just have the potatoes with the gravy?"

73 0

Cannibal Jokes Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Mother-in-Law Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Two Reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck мurdеr:
Firstly, the DNA all matches and secondly, there are no dental records.

73 0

Redneck jokes Dentist Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: What do gаy guys have in common with bungee jumpers?
A: If the rubber breaks, they're in deep shiт!

73 0

Gay and Lesbian Jokes Sports Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Knock, knock
Who's there?
I'm Mr, Farter.
Mr, Farter who?
I've brought some insecticides to give to your mother in law!

72 1

Knock-knock jokes Dark Humor Jokes Mother-in-Law Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-"
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath:
"Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

72 0

Sick and Death Jokes Cheating Jokes

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween?
A: On blood vessels.

71 1

Vampire jokes Halloween Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

My blonde girlfriend went to the doctors this morning and was told she had two weeks to live.
She chose last week and this week.

71 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Stupid Jokes

Q: How did Captain Hook die?
A: He wiped his вuм with the wrong hand.

70 0

Gross Jokes Sailor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Military Jokes

My dotor told me: "I've tow news for U; one good and the other one bad, which one do U prefer to hear first?"
I replied I prefer the good one.
Doctor: "U will die after next 24 hours!"
I told: "Then what is the bad newsrnDoctor: "I forgot to tell U yesterday!"

70 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight.
It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.

70 0

Dark Humor Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Halloween Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.”
“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even кill him.”
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
“Oh, he died,” the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”
“Oh, what was it then?”
“I think it was the spin cycle.”

70 0

Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Dog jokes

An alien lord lands in the middle of the desert and demands to see the ruler of all this planet and make it bow to his will, except he made two grave mistakes, first he landed in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night and second he didn't know anything about the inhabitants.
So he approaches the first life form he finds which was a gas pump and demands it to take him to the leader.
Well it's a gas pump so it doesn't say anything obviously, getting aggravated he demands again but this time pulls his laser pistol and says
"This is the last time I ask earthling!"
Just then his general whispers to him "Hey calm down buddy don't mess with this guy, he's a badass мотhеrfuскеr".
Shrugging off his comrade he furiously demands a response and after brief moments of silence, he blasts the pump and BOOM!
A huge explosion occurs and they land a mile away.
As they sit there dusting themselves off the alien lord looks at the general and asks "We have conquered the cosmos and all sorts of life forms, I've never seen you sweat in the face of an adversary, how did you know this guy was such a badass мотhеrfuскеr?"
The general looks over and says "Man if you could wrap your diск around your body 3 times and then plug it in your ear, you are a badass мотhеrfuскеr."

69 0

Alien Jokes Vulgar jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes Military Jokes

In the war, a German ship suspected that they were being tracked by an Irish submarine.
Unfortunately, they had used up all of their depth-charges.
As an alternative, one of their Divers decided to swim down to the submarine and knock on the door.

69 0

Irish jokes Dark Humor Jokes Military Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A magician comes to a seniors' home for entertainment afternoon: "Aaaaand? Is everybody heeere?"
Seniors, enthusiastically, "Yeaaaah!"
Magician, winking, "But not for looooong...!"

69 0

Dark Humor Jokes Old People Jokes Vulgar jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Yo mama's so sтuрid she tried comiting suicide by jumping of a tall building but got lost on the way down.

69 0

Yo Momma Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Stupid Jokes

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn.
He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?"
The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

68 0

Accountant Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Police are called to a home to fins man standing over the lifeless body of a woman with a five iron in his hand.
The police ask, "is that your wife?"
"Yes" says the man.
"Did you кill her with that golf club?"
"Yes" says the man sobbing and then dropping the club.
"How many times did you hit her?"
The man says, "five, six or seven times. But put me down for a five."

68 0

Police Officer Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children.
We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt.
When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when you die?"
My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone.
"We'll go in the limousine duммy."

68 0

Dad Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Funeral jokes Sick and Death Jokes Phone jokes

Travel agency named „Bermuda triangle" – Let us meet on the other side.

67 0

Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes