A twice married and divorced well-to-do business man named Ralph felt he finally found his soul mate in a woman half his age. Betty, his new wife, was pretty, dirтy blond hair, and not all that bright, but Ralph didn't care. He would do anything to make her happy, and on Betty's birthday he called her out to the front yard.
"Happy Birthday!" he shouted as he proudly showed off Betty's gift, an immaculate 1957 Chevrolet Bel-Air 2 door hard top classic car.
"Wow!" Betty exclaimed. "That's a really ancient looking car. It must be more than 20 years old!"
"Try 50! Honeybunch, I have a business trip to go on. This car will make you a ton of money. There's a bunch of events coming up in Johnson County and when I get back, I bet you're gonna make me a happy man when I find out how well you did."
Ralph left on his trip, and upon his return, as he was driving up the block to his house, he noticed a tow truck in his driveway. Pulling up he saw his dear old classic car on the truck bed, smashed to smithereens. Running into the house, he yelled for Betty.
"What in the world happened to your car?"
"I won first prize, $1000, that's what happened," Betty replied.
"First prize, where?" Ralph asked astonishingly.
"At the Johnson County Demolition Derby!"
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I кill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful,nакеd blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still кill you in two days. What is your second request?”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a nакеd brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still кill you tomorrow.
“What is your last request?”
The Lone Ranger responds,” I’d like to speak to my horse…. ALONE.”
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.
Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
“Listen very carefully, you fсuкing diскhеаd, for the last time………. . BRING POSSE!!!!”
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that blonde’s are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the blonde would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the blonde’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?’
The blonde doesn’t say a word, but reaches into her pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the blonde up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’
The blonde reaches into her pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
One day a man walked into the doctor’s office to find out the results of his annual check up.
“I’m not going to beat around the bush Mr. Smith,” said the doctor, “There is good news and there is bad news. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the bad news first,” replied the man.
“Well,” said the doctor, “the bad news is that you have only 48 hours to live!”
The man suddenly starts to sob uncontrollably and eventually says, “Oh my God, what am I going to do? Is there no cure for what I have?”
“I’m afraid not sir,” replied the doctor, “I’m sorry but you will certainly not last more than 48 hours.”
“But I thought you said there was good news.” asked the man.
“Oh yes,” replied the doctor, “I nearly forgot to tell you! You know the beautiful nurse at reception when you came in?”
“Yes!” replied the man.
“The blonde in the tight white uniform?” asked the doctor.
“Yeah,” replied the man, beaming, “the one with the big t*ts!”
“That’s right,” said the doctor, “The good news is I’m shаgging her!”