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Christmas Jokes

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How to be Insulting at Christmas: Buy crackers without any little gifts inside. If you have the time beforehand, put unpleasant little remarks and observations inside them instead. You might try to glue the paper hats together so that they tear when the guests try to open them.
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How to be Insulting at Christmas: Try to duplicate presents wherever possible then lose the receipts so that none of them can be exchanged. If they happen to be things you want yourself, so much the better. Just offer to take them back.
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Last Christmas,
I gave you my heart,
The very next day,
Your body rejected the transplant and you died.
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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Но Но Но gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a вrа and раnтiеs, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Но Но Но gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"
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If your left leg was Christmas and your right leg was New Years... Can I kiss you between the holidays.
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Boy: I'm sorry, can I take a picture with u? I just want to show santa what I want for christmas.
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What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A pine-apple.
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Bumper sticker:
"Last Christmas I got a new rifle for my wife. Good trade, don't you think?"
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When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
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My new вlоw up doll I got for christmas has put on weight already after all the christmas festivities.
Maybe I should empty her!
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There once was a Russian guy named Olaf who was mean, rude, and crude. One day his wife and her friend were in the kitchen discussing Christmas. Suddenly Olaf shouted, "It's gonna rain any moment now!"
Next thing you know it starts raining. The wife's friend is shocked. She said,
"How in the world did he know that?"
Without missing a beat the wife said to her, "Rude Olaf the Red knows rain dear."
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How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.
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Is your name Jingle Bells, cause you look like you go all the way
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Went shopping earlier today and got my wife something for her vaggina as a Christmas present, it’s called ‘DE-ICER’.
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If u wake up on christmas morning wit a weird taste in ur mouth….. Remember santa only сuмs once a year
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What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!
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*to the tune of jingle bells*
Twerky sluт,
Twerky sluт,
Get the fuск way
We don't want no mily Cyrus jr
Messing up our day
Hay!
Twerky sluт,
Twerky sluт,
Stop I'm gonna be sick
For God's sake your made of plastic
None of yous legit
Hey
Twerky sluт..
Jerk: Hey b*tch ain't got no time for Christmas Carols!
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What’s the difference between a Scouser and The Grinch?
The Grinch only steals things at Christmas.
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