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Christmas Jokes

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Went shopping earlier today and got my wife something for her vaggina as a Christmas present, it’s called ‘DE-ICER’.
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If u wake up on christmas morning wit a weird taste in ur mouth….. Remember santa only сuмs once a year
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What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!
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What’s the difference between a Scouser and The Grinch?
The Grinch only steals things at Christmas.
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If your woman puts on weight over the Christmas period suggest some exercise. Get her to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.
In a week the fат вiтсh should be 42 miles away!
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Woke up early and punched the missus in the face,
This woke the kids up so I gave them a couple of jabs on the stomach,
The dog came running in so I gave him an uppercut.
I fuскing love Boxing Day
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Just bought my wife a desk-lamp for Christmas.
Her face is really gonna light up when she sees it.
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My grandma passed away on Christmas Eve.
In her will, she stipulated that she wanted to be buried with all of her favourite possessions.
Should have seen the cat’s face when they were nailing the coffin lid down.
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Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots!"
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I wasn’t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.
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What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!
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Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree …
On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa-filled with rage-threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, “Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?”
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The wife had the cheek to call me a lazy сunт today…
I was right in the middle of taking down the Christmas decorations..
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What does an orphan get at xmas?
Lonely
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When I was a kid, my parents gave me a drum set for Christmas. They let me ваng them as long as it wasn’t after midnight.
They always slept better after being banged.
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I tried wrapping Christmas presents, but I don't have the gift for it.
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Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for.
Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown. This confirmed what I suspected all along, that despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20 something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother for Christmas."
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Are you sure today isn't Christmas?
I just saw a bearded man in a red coat carrying a 70 inch tv out of my neighbors house?
Must have been a wrong address?
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