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Christmas Jokes

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Let's both be naughty this year and save Santa the trip.
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The wife had the cheek to call me a lazy сunт today…
I was right in the middle of taking down the Christmas decorations..
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What does an orphan get at xmas?
Lonely
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I tried wrapping Christmas presents, but I don't have the gift for it.
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Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for.
Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown. This confirmed what I suspected all along, that despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20 something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother for Christmas."
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Are you sure today isn't Christmas?
I just saw a bearded man in a red coat carrying a 70 inch tv out of my neighbors house?
Must have been a wrong address?
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After all the little children finished visiting Santa at the big mall, a 20 year old young lady went up and sat on Santa's knee. "I want to ask for just one thing for Christmas," she said,
"And it is for my momma."
Santa replied, "I usually only answer little children, but since it is for your momma go ahead and ask me what she would like for Christmas."
"She would really, really love a handsome son-in-law."
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I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”
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Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer…
The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed
In the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep’a scrollin’…
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
Woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a
Car accident.
By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never frickin listen, either.
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“How’s that fат wife of yours these days?” My mate Dave asked me in the pub last night.
“Actually, she’s been going to the gym since Christmas.” I told him. “Twelve hundred quid a month it’s costing me.”
“Fuск me, in membership?”
“No, treadmill repairs.”
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What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
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What’s a good Christmas gift for the woman who already has everything except morals?
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A doggy is not just for Christmas. It’s a great position throughout the year.
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Ten Reasons You Might Be A Redneck …
….. ….
1. You ever cut your grass and found a car. ….
….
2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t. ….
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3. Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.” …
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4. You were shooting pool when one of your kids was born.
5. Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
6. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
7. There are more than five crumpled McDonald’s bags in your car.
8. There has ever been сriме-scene tape on your bathroom door.
9. The primary color of your car is Bondo.
10. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
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This Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox, nothing more. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, one Xbox.
You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together.
Which was fine... because I bought her an Xbox.
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It's Christmas Eve and mom is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally asks:
"Mom, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace."
The mom thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mom, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?"
Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mom replies. "Daddy is on a diet."
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The older sister asks her younger brother, "What are you giving Mom and Dad for Christmas?"
Without missing a beat, the little brother replies,
"A list of everything I want."
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I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.
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