Christmas Jokes

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Two zombie students were on the way to their high school in Los Angeles when they spotted a white BMW with the actress Halle Berry stopped at a red light. Seizing the opportunity, they immediately rushed the car, dragged the startled Ms. Berry from the front seat, and ate her brain.
Dragging the corpse behind them as they walked to school, they suddenly remembered that their school was having a contest to see who could best decorate the corridors of the school for Christmas.
Sure enough, they won the contest. The name of their entry, "Deck the Halls with Воwеls of Halle!"

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Wanna meet Santa's little helper?

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What’s big and tastes like реnis?
My secretary’s Christmas bonus.

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Some people are ridiculous. There are 363 days left till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.

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Christmas is a weird holiday. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

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Q. Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas rather than through the door?
A. Because it soot’s him!

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There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

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I accidently ate some Christmas decorations the other day and now I have a really sore throat. I went to the doctors and he said it looks like I have tinsel-itus.

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Last Christmas I bought my mother-in-law a Jack Daniels t-shirt having previously told me she enjoyed encounters with spirits.
She looked angry and said “I’m a medium”
Bullshit!! XXL fit her perfect!

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Ollie gives Lena a new cell phone for Christmas. The next day she’s at Wal-Mart and the phone rings. Ollie is on the phone and asks her how she likes her new cell phone. …
…
Lena replies, “Great, Ollie but how did ya know I vas at da Wal-Mart?!

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An elderly couple living in Florida had not seen their son and daughter for quite a while. The mom called the daughter living in New York and told her that mom and pop were going to get a divorce right after Christmas because they couldn't get along after 35 years of marriage
The daughter called her brother in New Jersey with the news and the brother then called his dad saying do not do anything sis and I will be up to talk to you before Christmas.
After hanging up the old man yelled out to his wife. "Great news the kids are coming for Christmas and they are paying their own way."

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One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.
He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"
Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door.
Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!"
It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food."
His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it."
About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"

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Teacher: If today is Christmas Eve, what is the day after Christmas?
A student quickly replied, Christmas Adam!

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Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year...
And thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.

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I was putting up the last of the Christmas decorations and I went and dropped the вlооdy box of drawing pins so I’ve spent the last 5 minutes picking them up. I think I’ve got them all but just in case I haven’t…
I’ve hidden the wife’s slippers!

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Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

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My grandma was literally stunned by the Samsung G7 Note mobile phone that I got her for Christmas.

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There’s an old man who lives alone next door, and we were a bit worried because we hadn’t see him since Christmas. The postman came round and said there was a fuскing awful smell coming from his letterbox. So I called the police. They knocked down his door and our worst fears were confirmed. He’d gone away: Indian’s had moved in!”

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