Christmas Jokes

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What’s big and tastes like реnis?
My secretary’s Christmas bonus.

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Q. What did the potato say when it answered the phone ?
A. “Aaloo?”
Q. Where do cauliflowers hang out?
A. In the Gobi desert.
Q. What did the flower say to its girl-friend?
A. Why do phools fall in love?
Q. What did the fат car say?
A. I’m a mota car.
Q. What do shrimps sing on Christmas?
A. Jhinga Bells.
Q. What did the half eaten naan say?
A. I wish I was puri.
Q. What language do carrots speak?
A. Gajar-ati.
Q. What do you call a bald poet?
A. Ik-bal.
Q. What are the degrees of egoism in Tamil Nadu?
A. I, Iyer, Iyengar.
Q. What’s the opposite of Gopalakrishnan?
A. Comepalakrishnan.
Q. How do they start a road race in Tamil Nadu?
A. Ready.. Steady.. PO
Q. What do you call a really colourful Tamilian?
A. Rangamannar Rangarajan.

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Some people are ridiculous. There are 363 days left till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.

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Q. Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas rather than through the door?
A. Because it soot’s him!

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There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

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I accidently ate some Christmas decorations the other day and now I have a really sore throat. I went to the doctors and he said it looks like I have tinsel-itus.

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Last Christmas I bought my mother-in-law a Jack Daniels t-shirt having previously told me she enjoyed encounters with spirits.
She looked angry and said “I’m a medium”
Bullshit!! XXL fit her perfect!

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Ollie gives Lena a new cell phone for Christmas. The next day she’s at Wal-Mart and the phone rings. Ollie is on the phone and asks her how she likes her new cell phone. …
…
Lena replies, “Great, Ollie but how did ya know I vas at da Wal-Mart?!

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An elderly couple living in Florida had not seen their son and daughter for quite a while. The mom called the daughter living in New York and told her that mom and pop were going to get a divorce right after Christmas because they couldn't get along after 35 years of marriage
The daughter called her brother in New Jersey with the news and the brother then called his dad saying do not do anything sis and I will be up to talk to you before Christmas.
After hanging up the old man yelled out to his wife. "Great news the kids are coming for Christmas and they are paying their own way."

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One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.
He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"
Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door.
Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!"
It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food."
His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it."
About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"

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A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later... "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide."

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Teacher: If today is Christmas Eve, what is the day after Christmas?
A student quickly replied, Christmas Adam!

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I was putting up the last of the Christmas decorations and I went and dropped the вlооdy box of drawing pins so I’ve spent the last 5 minutes picking them up. I think I’ve got them all but just in case I haven’t…
I’ve hidden the wife’s slippers!

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Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

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My grandma was literally stunned by the Samsung G7 Note mobile phone that I got her for Christmas.

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There’s an old man who lives alone next door, and we were a bit worried because we hadn’t see him since Christmas. The postman came round and said there was a fuскing awful smell coming from his letterbox. So I called the police. They knocked down his door and our worst fears were confirmed. He’d gone away: Indian’s had moved in!”

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Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus were reviewing letters from children when Santa said,
"I just don't know if I can grant this wish. It is impossible."
"What are they asking for?" she inquired.
"Alligator shoes," he said.
"We have all kinds of alligator shoes, what is the problem?"
"They did not give me the shoe size of the alligator."

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One year, I decided to buy my wife's mother a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

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