Christmas Jokes

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Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe. She says “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom.” Santa responds “Но! Но! Но! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgettable.”
Santa responds “Но! Но! Но! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.”
Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my diск this way!”
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60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Chicago people sunbathe.
50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Chicago people plant gardens.
40 above - Italian cars won't start.
Chicago people drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.
20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.
15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people liск the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the
Sweatshirt.
20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets
Cold enough.
80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.
Chicago people rent some videos.
100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.
Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"
500 below - Неll freezes over.
The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.
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Q. What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
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Q. What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
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Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the
Ducks.
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Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.
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Q. What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower.
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Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions:
An in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been
Hallucinating.
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Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
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Q. What’s the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn’t.
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Q. What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and dead
Bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
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Q. What’s the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead
Country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
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Q. What’s the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
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Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
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Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
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Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
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Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
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Q. What’s the definition of “optimism”
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
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Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the
Windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back
Seat?
He rushed back as soon as he realised it, but it was too late - someone
Had already put another set of bagpipes in the car!
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