Christmas Jokes

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I came home from work yesterday and got a terrible shock. All the windows open, everything gone… I nearly cried, I mean who can do something like that, and right before Christmas, too… And to top it, my family didn’t let me call the cops, they kept insisting they have better things to do than investigate who polished off my Advent calendar.

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A lady walks into a stationery shop early in December, “Hi, I’d like to buy some nice pen for my son.”
“Oh, a Christmas surprise, right?”
“Probably, yes, he’s expecting an iPhone.”

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- Guess what I got for Christmas!
- No idea, tell me!
- Well, do you see that Audi parked down there?
- ОМG… It looks so cool!
- Yeah, doesn’t it? And that is the exact color of the sweat pants I got!

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Lisa thanks her grandpa, "Thank you Grandpa for the violin you gave me last year for Christmas. I've never got such a brilliant gift!"
"Really?" asks the surprised Grandpa.
Lisa says,
"Oh yeah - every time I start playing, mom gives me 2 dollars so I would stop!"

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9 out of 10 turkeys recommend a steak at Christmas.

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Let’s face it. Santa clearly prefers children of rich parents.

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An honest politician, a hard-working civil servant and Santa Claus find a 100 dollar bill. Who gets to keep it?
Santa does, the other two are creatures of myth and legend.

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Two women are chatting, "I took my husband to the Christmas market yesterday," says one of them.
"And, did someone want to buy him?" asks the other.

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Last Christmas I gave you my heart... well - that was the end of me... No one survives without a heart.

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One turkey asks another, "Do you believe in life after Christmas?"

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Sending letters to Santa up the chimney is definitely black mail.

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What did the reindeer say when he was spotted one Christmas Eve by Little Johnny?
Nothing, reindeers don’t talk.

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This will be the fifth year in a row that my in-laws will come over for Christmas. I think this time we should let them in.

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What do you call someone who celebrates Christmas sometimes and Hanukkah sometimes?
Jew-ish

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He says to his wife:
"Sleeping with you is like Christmas, Birthday and the 4th of July in a single moment."
To which she replies:
"Well, each of those dates is just once per year too."

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I feel sorry for those who are unable to afford food and drink this season.
You know it's bad when Mariah Carey can't even afford juice. She is so hard pressed that she even made a song about it. You know, all she wants for Christmas is juice.

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What moment is Batman History was the worst for Batman?
Christmas.
He lays an egg, smells bad, and Joker gets away.
Also his parents are dead.

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I made snow angels this Christmas...
My car skidded on the ice and I hit 3 pedestrians.

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