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Christmas Jokes

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Why is Santa Claus a heavy drinker?
Because he only empties his sack once a year.
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I think Santa Claus had an argument with his wife one night, he started calling her names; the neighbours heard him saying hо hо hо.....
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9-1-1
Parody of "Jingle Bells"
Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G. I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!
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There will be no Christmas anymore. I told Santa that you have been good the whole year. He died of laughter.
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I came home from work yesterday and got a terrible shock. All the windows open, everything gone… I nearly cried, I mean who can do something like that, and right before Christmas, too… And to top it, my family didn’t let me call the cops, they kept insisting they have better things to do than investigate who polished off my Advent calendar.
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A lady walks into a stationery shop early in December, “Hi, I’d like to buy some nice pen for my son.”
“Oh, a Christmas surprise, right?”
“Probably, yes, he’s expecting an iPhone.”
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- Guess what I got for Christmas!
- No idea, tell me!
- Well, do you see that Audi parked down there?
- ОМG… It looks so cool!
- Yeah, doesn’t it? And that is the exact color of the sweat pants I got!
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Another helicopter tried to land in our garden today. I think we’re going to have to reduce our Christmas lights a bit.
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Lisa thanks her grandpa, "Thank you Grandpa for the violin you gave me last year for Christmas. I've never got such a brilliant gift!"
"Really?" asks the surprised Grandpa.
Lisa says,
"Oh yeah - every time I start playing, mom gives me 2 dollars so I would stop!"
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9 out of 10 turkeys recommend a steak at Christmas.
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Let’s face it. Santa clearly prefers children of rich parents.
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An honest politician, a hard-working civil servant and Santa Claus find a 100 dollar bill. Who gets to keep it?
Santa does, the other two are creatures of myth and legend.
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Last Christmas I gave you my heart... well - that was the end of me... No one survives without a heart.
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One turkey asks another, "Do you believe in life after Christmas?"
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Sending letters to Santa up the chimney is definitely black mail.
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What did the reindeer say when he was spotted one Christmas Eve by Little Johnny?
Nothing, reindeers don’t talk.
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I heard some strange chatter from the spice cupboard mid-December. But it was just the Season’s greetings.
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This will be the fifth year in a row that my in-laws will come over for Christmas. I think this time we should let them in.
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