Hotel Jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular
0
0
I took a day off from work to play golf. I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green.
I paid it no attention until I heard, "Ribbit. 9-iron."
That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog.
I pulled out a 9-iron and sunk a hole-in-one.
Amazed, I picked up the frog and asked where we should go next.
"Ribbit. Vegas."
We went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first.
"Ribbit. Roulette."
We went up to the roulette table, and I won big.
I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel.
I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it.
"Ribbit. Kiss me."
I figured, what the hеll, and I kissed the frog.
It turned into a 15-year-old girl.
That's how she ended up in my room, your Honor, and if I'm lying, my name's not R. Kelly.
Tweet Share
1

0
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sеx".
Now, Sеx has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sеx. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sеx since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sеx. He said that every room in the place was for sеx. I said, "You don't understand, Sеx keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sеx in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sеx entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sеx on television." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sеx before I got married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sеx had left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sеx ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sеx..."
My case comes up on Friday...
0
What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem, you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
What does an accountant do for birth control?
A. He talks about his business.
What is an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What is an insolvency practitioner?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
There are just three types of accountants:
Those who can count and those who can't.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
What is the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?
The accountant knows he is boring.
How was copper wire invented?
Two accountants were arguing over a penny.
What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead of his/her own.
Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
What's a shy and retiring accountant?
An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.
What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.
What is GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles)?
The difference between accounting theory and practice.
0
0
0
Волшебни прозори Ο ξενος Το πένθος... Ο σουπερμάν μεθυσμένος C'est une femme qui vient de larguer son mec На 3000-хилядния етаж на Емпайърстейт бюлдинг Un mec ivre entre dans un bar A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down Kommt ein Mann zu einer Feier im 99. Stockwerk eines Wolkenkratzers. Dort trifft er einen Mann der sagt: "Die Scwingungen dieses Gebäudes sind so gut This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place Un hombre entra a un bar situado en la azotea de un hotel y se sienta junto a otro tipo. - «¿Qué estás bebiendo?» Le pregunta al hombre que tiene a su lado.-«Cerveza mágica» Eine Bar auf einem Hochhaus Det var en gång en amerikan som satt i en bar längst upp i Empire State Building. Då kom det in en norrman och satte sig bredvid amerikanen. Då sa amerikanen: - Jag har kommit på att om man hoppar... Er zitten twee mannen op een dak Dois bêbados estavam num desses bares nas coberturas dos prédios. De repente Un borracho que se encontraba en un bar le dice a otro borracho: Yo puedo brincar de la azotea de este edificio y rebotar. El otro borracho le dice que se lo muestre En man kommer in i baren högst upp i en skyskrapa Dos borrachos reunidos en un bar ubicado en un penthouse Een man loopt een cafe bovenop een wolkenkrabber binnen Sitzen zwei Männer in einer Bar im Hochhaus. Da sagt der eine zu dem anderen: "Wetten wir Mannen kom in på krogen högst upp på hotellet. Han beställde en dubbel wodka Resulta que una señorita llamada katy(una dama de compañía) llega a una de esas fiestas para gente de mucho nivel y dinero Un hombre llega al bar de un gigantezco rascacielos en el último piso. Pide una bebida y le llama la atención un gradulón borracho cerca de él. Mientras lo observa el hombre se tira por la ventana... A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila A guy goes onto a rooftop bar A man walks into a sky scraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An on looker watch’s this and is scared but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped cane back... So Sitzen zwei Typen am Tresen in einer Kneipe oben im 8ten Stock. Meint der eine:“Du Siamo a New York A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out! "Holy cow! Did you... Egy Manhatteni toronyház felső szintjén lévő bárban két férfi iszogat a bárpultnál egymás mellett. Sorra isszák a whiskeyket Dette finner sted i en skyskraper i New York. I toppen av denne skyskraperen ligger en bar Postávají dva ožralové na střeše mrakodrapu a jeden říká: „Podívej Spring fra skyskrabere Se i USA har de jo mange skyskrabere. På sådan en helt almindelig skyskraber med mange andre skyskrabere omkring Two men are sitting in a restaurant bar at the top of a skyscraper. After each had a few drinks Τρείς μεθυσμένοι
0
0
0
0

0
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a Londonhotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involvedsubmitted this to the Sunday Times.
What to do with all those "free" soaps when travelling
***
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroomsince I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the sixunopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and anotherthree in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,S. Berman.
- --
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, fromher day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish asyou requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and puton top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from themanagement is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid.
- --
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning thelittle bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I foundyou had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. Iam going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my ownbath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on theshelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Pleaseremove them.
S. Berman.
- --
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which weare instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in yourway on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. Iput the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed insidethe medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not objectto when you checked in last Monday. Please let meknow if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid,
Dotty.
- --
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A. M. that youcalled him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maidservice. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you willaccept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have anyfuture complaints please contact me so I can give it my personalattention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper.
- --
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel forbusiness at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's thereason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those littlebars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was anew check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in mymedicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on thebath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little barsof soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman.
- --
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to yourroom and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper.
- --
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my roomincluding my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had tocall the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman.
- --
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. Icannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids areinstructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. Thesituation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies forthe inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager.
- --
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hеll left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in lastnight and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little barsof Camay. I want my one dамn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize Ihave 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman.
- --
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Thenyou complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so Ipersonally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anythingabout the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not knowI had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 dailyCamays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-sizeDial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in yourroom.
Elaine CarmenHousekeeper.
- --
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside medicinecabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - Onnorthwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks areneatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of morethan 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soapdeliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sizedDial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid furthermisunderstandings.
0
0
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D".
What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.
What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes?
A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)
What's red and white and red and white and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill.
Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood.
Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
Because snow man is an island.
0
0
0