Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.
The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said,
"It doesn't get any better than this." And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them. And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said,
"Super size them." And Man gained five pounds. And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds. And God said,
"Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds. And God said,
"Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them." But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds. And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fат and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into сhiрs and deep-fат fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato сhiрs swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said,
"It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance. So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken. And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light вееr So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds. And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fат?" And the Devil said,
"Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor. And the Devil said,
"It doesn't get any better than this."
If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary.
You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.
July 6, 2017
To the imperialist British colonizers. In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a sаinт. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up 'aluminum' in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as 'fortnight'. The correct term is 'a two week period'. You will learn words such as 'credenza', 'intern' and 'chad'.
2. There is no such thing as 'UK English'. UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.
3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.
4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use 'Mockney' and 'Posh' British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.
5. You will learn your new national anthem 'The Star Spangled Banner'. It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any dамn way we wish so stop вiтсhing about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.
6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.
7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word 'cinema'. They are 'movie theaters'. The snippets of forthcoming films are not 'trailers' they are 'teasers'.
8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to вlоw up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of вееr, two сооn hounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as 'caravanning'. It is properly called 'camping'. The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called 'tenting'.
9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.
10. Those things which you call сhiрs are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Вееr is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call вееr is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.
11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.
12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i. E. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).
Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated. Footnote: Resistance is futile. Just ask Hawaii. By the way, Ireland and Scotland should be separate states. They have entirely different cultures and languages from the Norman fops. To avoid supporting third world countries and welfare states (the reason for NOT annexing Mexico), Canada, Australia, New Zealand, should become independent nations. The Falkland Islands should become an 'American Protectorate' like Puerto Rico, Samoa, The Philippines, Guam and other places that are neat to vacation. America should take back Hong Kong immediately.