Judge Jokes, Court Jokes, Judiciary

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Q: What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
A:
"Odor in the court!"

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The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with cutting down a tree without having permission to do so, using a chain saw."

From out in the gallery, a woman shouts, "Lying miser!"

"Silence in the court!" the Judge says. He turns to the defendant and says, "You are also charged with cutting a hedge in a protected area using an electric hedge trimmer."

"You tightwad!" the same woman in the gallery blurted out.

"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "You are also charged with using an electric drill outside your house during night hours."

"You good for nothing..." the woman from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the woman:
"If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The woman answered, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a тооl when I needed to borrow one!"

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Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble that they were having in the apartment building where they all lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

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A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud:
"Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

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At a court date the judge asked, “What makes you think the prisoner was drunк?”
“Well, your honor,” replied the arresting officer, “I saw him lift up the manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, “I want to listen to it on my record player.”

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To the irritation of the judge, a man was trying to be excused from jury duty. "Tell me," began the judge, "is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in the trial?"

The man replied, "I don't want to be away from my job that long."

"Can't they do without you at work?" demanded the judge.

"Yes," admitted the juror. "But I don't want them to realize it."

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A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied: “a can of peaches.” The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

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The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”

“I do.”

“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”

“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

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The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgement. "Mr Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month."

Mr. Smith's replies, "That's very nice of you, judge. And every once in a while I will send her a little extra too."

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I was just reading that the economy over in New Jersey is so bad, that the Mafia had to lay off three Judges the other day!

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The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”
“And why was that?"
"Because my wife wanted a dress.”
The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”
“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”

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The millionaire was arrested for speeding and brought before the judge in a small community. When the judge offered him the alternative of paying a $10 fine or serving ten days in jail the millionaire decided to take the ten days. “But, my good man, you are wealthy,” said the judge, amazement ringing his face. “Why you should prefer ten days in jail to paying a $10 fine is beyond me.” “It’s like this, Judge,” the man explained. “Our chef left and my wife figures it’ll take that long to find a new one.”

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"You admit having broken into the dress shop two times?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, your Honor," he replied.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in twice!"

"Yes, your Honor," sighed the suspect. "I had to exchange it. My wife didn't like the color."

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In a courtroom, where tensions are high...

Judge: Order! Order in the court!

Plaintiff: I'll take a ham on rye.

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“Guilty or not guilty of begging?’ asked the magistrate.
“Nearly guilty,” said the beggar.
“What do you mean, ‘nearly’ guilty? Asked the puzzled magistrate.
“Well, your honor, I asked the lady for twenty-five cents but I didn’t get it.”

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The drunken defendant appears yet again before the tired judge, who says, "You have been constantly appearing before me for the past twenty years." Replied the drunк:
"Can I help it if you can't get promoted?"

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Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!", he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"

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Two judges from a small county happen to be stopped for speeding on the same day. They agree that there's no point in calling the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge; they'll just go ahead and hear each other's case.
The next morning, one judge takes the bench, the other sits at counsel table. The first judge admits he's guilty, and the second judge suspends the fine and court costs for him.
They then switch places, the second judge pleads guilty as well, but the other judge fines him $200 plus all court costs.
The second judge is exceedingly upset:
"I suspended your fine and costs and you go and give me the maximum!"
The first judge responds:
"Well, look at the increase we've just had for this сriме. SOMEBODY has to do something about it!"

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