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Ein Inder beim Scheidungsanwalt
Индиец при адвокат по разводите:
Wódz indiański żąda rozwodu. - Kiedy zasadziłem kukurydze
Indiánský náčelník žádá o rozvod. „Když zasadím kukuřici
Přijde Ind na úřad v hlavním městě a povídá: „Sáhibe
A Chinese farmer tells a judge he wants a divorce...
So the judge asks him why. The farmer says,
"I'm just a simple farmer, I never went to school, and I don't know very much. But I do know this: when I plant corn, I get corn; when I plant rice, I get rice; now when I plant Chinese boy and black boy comes out, something's wrong."
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Поп и шофер
Το αποτέλεσμα
Умряли в един ден един поп и един шофьор
Умерли в один день водитель автобуса и священник.
Пред св. Петър се изправят двама души - шофьор и свещеник.
Перед вратами рая стоят водитель автобуса и священник. К ним выходит Святой Петр:
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Поп и шофьор умрели и се явили пред Свети Петър. Още щом видял шофьора
Il y avait dans un village deux hommes qui s'appelaient Jules. L'un était prêtre et l'autre chauffeur de taxi. Le destin voulut que tous deux meurent le même jour. Ils arrivent au ciel et se présentent devant le Seigneur. Jules
Piloten hade inga problem med att komma in i himmelriket. Prästen blev däremot otroligt förvånad och förtretad då han stoppades vid pärleporten. - Men vad nu då? Vad menas med detta
En busschaufför och en präst stod utanför himlens port. Sankte Per kollade i sin dator om båda borde bli insläppta. Till slut fick chauffören komma in. – Men utropade prästen – vet du inte hur han svär och lever om när han kör buss? – Jodå
En präst och en taxi förare dog och de båda kom upp till himlen samtidigt. Sankte Per stod vid pärleporten och väntade på dem. - Följ med mig! Sa sankte Per till taxi föraren. Taxi föraren gjorde som han blev tillsagd och följde med sankte Per till en stor herrgård. Herrgården hade all lyx som...
Un cura y un taxista se mueren y van al cielo. San Pedro los recibe y le dice al cura: - Bueno cura
C'est l'histoire d'un curé et d'un chauffeur de bus qui se retrouvent devant St. Pierre. Le curé est irréprochable alors que le chauffeur roulait si mal qu'il a causé un nombre incalculable...
Een priester sterft en wanneer hij bij de hemelpoort komt
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me'
En prest stod ved himmelporten og klagde til St.Peter: Presten: – Hvorfor kan jeg ikke komme inn? Det kom jo nettopp en full buss kjørende inn
İki adam ölür ve cennetin kapısına gelirler. Cennetin kapısında Aziz Peter beklemektedir. Aziz Peter ilk adama sorar: - Hayattayken ne iş yapardın? - Ben rahiptim
Op een dag was er een buschauffeur en een pastoor gestorven. Ze gingen allebij naar petrus om te kijken waar ze heen moesten; de hemel of de hel. De pastoor kwam als laatste aan en zei tegen...
A pap és a buszsofőr egyszerre kopogtatnak a mennyország kapuján. Kijön Szent Péter
Komen een slechte priester en een slechte buschauffeur bij de hemelpoort en samen worden ze naar hun verblijf gebracht. Eerst wordt de chauffeur meegenomen naar zijn kamer. Over de top luxe:...
After a preacher died and went to heaven
Egy taxisofőr és egy pap egyszerre halnak meg
En taxisjåfør kom til Perleporten. St. Peter fant navnet hans i boken sin og ba ham ta med seg en gullstokk og en silkekappe på vei inn i himmelen. Den neste i køen var en prest. St. Peter så...
Um famoso e respeitado padre paulista morre e chega ao céu. Na recepção
Un prete ed un tassista romano muoiono quasi contemporaneamente e si presentano quindi insieme ai cancelli del Paradiso. San Pietro chiede al primo
Un taximetrist moare si ajunge la usa raiului. Sfantul Petru ii da un toiag de aur acestuia si il invita in Rai... Imediat dupa taximetrist ajunge si un preot la usa raiului
Mirė tuo pačiu metu taksistas ir kunigas. Prieina prie dangaus vartų
This Priest dies and goes to Heaven…
When he gets there, he finds he’s being judged at the same time as a taxi driver. Sаinт Peter declares that the priest is going to hеll and the taxi driver is going to heaven.
The priest is outraged and asks how someone as pious as he is going to hеll, and someone like a mere taxi driver could achieve heaven.
“Well,” says Sаinт Peter. “When you were preaching your sermons, you didn’t do that much to increase piety in the world. In fact you put scores of people to sleep in the pews. But this taxi driver? You can’t believe how many people were wide awake, fervently praying as he sped through the streets.”
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"Sie bekommen entweder 400 Euro
Sagt der Richter zum Angeklagten: "Sie können wählen zwischen 10 Tagen Gefängnis und 1000 Euro" "Dann nehme ich natürlich das Geld!"
Har du hørt om han som kunne velge mellom 3 måneders fengsel eller 10.000 kr? – Han tok pengene.
Dommer i svensk rett: – Du kan velge mellom tre måneders fengsel eller 10000 kroner. – Flott
- Manuel ¿cómo ha ido el juicio? - El juez ha dicho que 5 años de cárcel o 95 mil euros. - Tú no seas tonto
Sale un ladrón de un juicio
- Domaren till norrmannen: - Ni får välja mellan böter och fängelse. Vill ni ha 3.000 kronor eller tio dagar fängelse? Norrmannen: - Solklart
Dommeren til svensken: - Du får velge mellom bøter og fengsel. Vil du ha 3.000 kroner Eller ti dager fengsel? Svensken: - Solklart
A thief just out of court, and his wife calls him:
- Pepe, what did they tell you?
- Well, they told me that 3 years in prison or 100,000 euros.
- Don't be silly Pepe, take the money !
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Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.
The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.
They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.
The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!", he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"
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The drunken defendant appears yet again before the tired judge, who says, "You have been constantly appearing before me for the past twenty years." Replied the drunк:
"Can I help it if you can't get promoted?"
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“Guilty or not guilty of begging?’ asked the magistrate.
“Nearly guilty,” said the beggar.
“What do you mean, ‘nearly’ guilty? Asked the puzzled magistrate.
“Well, your honor, I asked the lady for twenty-five cents but I didn’t get it.”
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In a courtroom, where tensions are high...
Judge: Order! Order in the court!
Plaintiff: I'll take a ham on rye.
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"You admit having broken into the dress shop two times?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered the suspect.
"And what did you steal?"
"A dress, your Honor," he replied.
"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in twice!"
"Yes, your Honor," sighed the suspect. "I had to exchange it. My wife didn't like the color."
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Mrs. Swanson declined to serve on the jury because she was not a believer in capital punishment and didn’t want her beliefs to get in the way of the trial. “But, Madam,” said the public defender, who had taken a liking to her kind face and calm demeanor, “this is not a мurdеr trial. It is merely a civil lawsuit being brought by a wife against her husband. He gambled away the fifteen thousand dollars he’d promised to spend on a chinchilla coat for her birthday.” “Hmmm,” reflected Mrs. Swanson. “Okay, I’ll serve, I could be wrong about capital punishment.”
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The millionaire was arrested for speeding and brought before the judge in a small community. When the judge offered him the alternative of paying a $10 fine or serving ten days in jail the millionaire decided to take the ten days. “But, my good man, you are wealthy,” said the judge, amazement ringing his face. “Why you should prefer ten days in jail to paying a $10 fine is beyond me.” “It’s like this, Judge,” the man explained. “Our chef left and my wife figures it’ll take that long to find a new one.”
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Dreimal eingebrochen
Обвиняеми
The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”
“And why was that?"
"Because my wife wanted a dress.”
The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”
“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”
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I was just reading that the economy over in New Jersey is so bad, that the Mafia had to lay off three Judges the other day!
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The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”
“I do.”
“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”
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Gestohlene Pfirsiche
Съдят тъща за кражба от супермаркет.
Eine 80-jährige Frau steht wegen Ladendiebstahl vor Gericht. Der Richter fragt sie
Uma velhinha... De 80 anos foi presa por estar roubando no supermercado. Quando ela estava na frente do juiz
Una mujer de 80 años fue arrestada por un robo en una tienda. Cuando ella fue ante el juez
Egy idős asszonyt bíróság elé állítanak bolti lopás miatt. Azt mondja neki a bíró: - Ha jól tudom asszonyom
Une femme de 80 ans a été arrêtée pour vol en grande surface. Le juge demande: - Qu'avez vous volé? - Une boîte de pêches. - Pourquoi avez-vous volé cette boîte? - J'avais faim. - Combien...
A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied: “a can of peaches.” The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
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To the irritation of the judge, a man was trying to be excused from jury duty. "Tell me," began the judge, "is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in the trial?"
The man replied, "I don't want to be away from my job that long."
"Can't they do without you at work?" demanded the judge.
"Yes," admitted the juror. "But I don't want them to realize it."
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At a court date the judge asked, “What makes you think the prisoner was drunк?”
“Well, your honor,” replied the arresting officer, “I saw him lift up the manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, “I want to listen to it on my record player.”
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A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud:
"Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
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The judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement from one which he had previously made to the police. “For example,” he said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was sure I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom.”
When the judge returned home, his wife asked him, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to get it a bit extreme?” “What?” said the judge, “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people; what did you do?”
“I gave it to the first one,” said the wife. “He knew exactly where it was.”
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