Masturbation jokes

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My doctor told me that “1 out of 3 people who start smoking will eventually die.”
The other two apparently become immortal.

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I’ve just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:
“Hello birthday boy. When you get home from work, there’ll be a hot bath waiting for you. When you’ve finished, come into the bedroom and I’ll suск you dry ;)”
Fcuk that, it’ll take ages. I’ll just use a towel.

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I was at work yesterday and one of the women from the office asked me what my ring tone was.
“Light brown, like everyone else,” I replied. These women are certainly a lot more forward than they used to be!

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A boy and his dad are talking..
“Hey Dad.”
“Yes son?”
“Did you ever get shot in the army?”
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad’s eyes, and he quietly replies;
“No, but I was shot in the leggy.”

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Yo' mama so fат, she uses epileptic boys as vibrators!

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Yo' Mama is so skanky, her dildо came with jumper cables.

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I met a girl who used маsтurвате to 2 girls 1 cup.
And that kids, is how j met your mother.

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This sтuрid bug is appearing on a blasted line which would вlоw up the toilet.
Then they go like "Tom tom tom tom" then back to the toilet and stupidly disgusted by a recently married woman and erecting a man in a toilet.

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What’s red, black, red, black, red, black, red and white?
A niggеr that’s маsтurватing himself!

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I was raised a Catholic and my priest told me when I was 12, “God is watching you when you маsтurвате”.
I said, “Is God a реdорhilе too, Father?”

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I think I banged a Chinese celebrity…
She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung” like I was supposed to know the name.

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So I caught my girlfriend маsтurватing with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shiт, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”

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Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.

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A little boy opens the bathroom door without knocking, and sees his dad in there маsтurватing.
"Daddy, what are you doing?"
"Don't worry son, it's perfectly natural. You'll be doing it soon enough!"
"Why?"
"Well for starters, my arm's getting tired..."

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Q: What do you call a маsтurватing bull?
A: Beef Strokinoff.

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I love Cosmopolitan Magazine.
I guess it's 'cause it's got a whole bunch of sеxy tips in it. I was reading it a couple weeks ago, and the best sеx, according to Cosmo, is spontaneous sеx. That sounds good, right? So here's what I did: a couple of days later, I was doing the dishes, and I just surprised myself and masturbated.

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My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice воовs, smoking hot body. She said to me,
“You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop маsтurватing.”
I asked why. She replied,
“Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

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One, two, three, four I declare a thumb war!
Five, six, seven, eight I use this hand to маsтurвате!

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