Men-Women jokes

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Q: What's a man's definition of safe sеx?
A: When his wife's out of town.

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How do you find a blind man on a nudе beach?
It ain't hard...

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Scientists have finally discovered what is wrong with the female brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.

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Two guys die in a car accident and an angel descends from heaven.
"I am to give you your wings so you can fly to heaven.
But if you think one dirтy thought or act out one dirтy act your wings will fall off."
So they fly to heaven without any trouble but when they get there the first guy sees a nакеd woman walk by so his wings falll off.
When he bends over to pick them up the second guy's wings fall off.

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A plane is descending rapidly from the air, and the passengers are all scared stiff.
Suddenly a women near the front of the plane stands up and takes off her shirt.
She proceeds to yell, "Is there a man on this plane that can make me feel like a REAL woman before I die?!"
She continues to yell this for about ten minutes before a man in the very back takes a stand. He proceeds to say "Yeah I can make you feel like a woman."
He then takes off his shirt and throws it towards her and says, "Here! Iron this!"

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A woman wants everything from one man.
A man wants one thing from all the women.

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Q: What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body?
A: He is all right now.

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Q: What is 6.9?
A: A really great thing ruined by a period.

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Q: Why did the blonde build a bridge across the river?
A: So she could have shade when she swam across.

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A blonde says to her doctor, "Each time I try to sip my coffee, my eye hurts."
The doctor says, "Maybe you should take the stirrer out of the cup."

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A blond man and a brunette woman were happily married and about to have a baby.
One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital, and she gave birth to two baby boys. The blond man turned to his wife and yelled, "All right, who's the other father?"

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The following sign was posted at a fast-food restaurant owned by two blondes:
Parking for drive-through customers only!

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NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"
The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."
Then NASA asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"
The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."
Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"
The blonde woman replies, "Um. Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and don't touch a thing!'"

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A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming "lifesaver! lifesaver!"
The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks "cherry or grape?"

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What a woman says:
This place is a mess! Right now - c'mon - you and I need to clean up. Your stuff's all over the floor, and you'll have no clothes left to wear if we don't do laundry right now."
What a man hears:
"Blah, blah, blah blah RIGHT NOW blah blah YOU AND I blah blah blah ALL OVER THE FLOOR blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah RIGHT NOW."

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Q: Why was the blonde having trouble sleeping?
A: She forgot to close her eyes.

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Our Sтuрid Apartment's On Fire!
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!"

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What’s a good demonstration of the difference between a man and a woman?
The two meanings of the sentence: “What an аss!”

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