A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the bronze rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously. Now not just thousands, but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge there is a trail of rats twelve city blocks long behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up out of reach and clinging tightly to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the exhausted tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?".
"It was at the end of this key", Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards p*nis is hanging out of his trousers.
The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?
Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!"
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.
He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
'Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?''Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife.''How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?''I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind.''I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Неll until I met you.''As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me.''As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy...''Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!''Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.''Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you.''You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!''When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.''I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.''We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?''I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here.''Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?''You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.'
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Sаinт Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit."That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates."No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
