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One, it was a tragic and senseless loss of human life, of course. And two, it kind of f**ked up my 'the white man is the devil' theory. Pretty much shot that all to hеll, really. I'm still trying to hold out hope that the white man is the devil; I just don't have the conviction I once did.
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How are people in Dubai and Abu Dhabi different?
The ones in Dubai do NOT watch the Flintstones.
But those in Abu Dhabi Do!
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My friends from Brooklyn would call me at work, kind of militant. They'd want to talk about the man coming down on the brother man and the system. And I'm like, 'Hey, can I call you back later? I'm at the system.'
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Another thing I do most black people don't do -- catch cabs. I love it. I can catch as many cabs as I want. They don't even know I'm black until I hop in the back and I'm like, 'To Compton!'
'But, that's all the way across country.'
'I know, and we're robbing stores on the way!'
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You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunк I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.
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My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course -- 'cause he's Japanese.
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The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the team rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the '99 season:
The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey.
The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.
Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.
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Mama bear, papa bear, and baby bear were having a great time chasing vacationers in a car as they were visiting Yellowstone National Park.
"Daddy?"
"Yes, Baby Bear?"
"I think we could be doing a better job of scaring these vacationers."
"But Baby Bear," Mama Bear injected. "What more can we do?"
"Maybe we'd have more of an effect on them if we got out of this car and started chasing them on all fours!"
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I think our country doesn't want us free; I think they want us sedated. You know, so we don't notice things -- like who's running it.
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They want to keep foreign threats out of the U. S. I have a solution. I think we should put a velvet rope around the entire U. S. border and hire nightclub bouncers to guard the country. No, seriously, 'cause nobody takes their job as serious as a night club bouncer. If you're not on the guest list, you're not getting into the country.
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She said, 'Where are you from?' And I said I was Irish. And she said to me, 'Oh you're Irish, are you? You'll be needing this.' And she left the drinks trolley down beside me.
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Why did Clemson choose orange as a school color?…
So that the football team could wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up garbage for the rest of the week. …
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Why did O. J. Simpson go to Raleigh, NC in the Ford Bronco? …
He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner. …
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What are the longest three years of a Duke player’s life?
His freshman year.
Why did Georgia Tech replace the grass in its football stadium with astroturf?
They didn’t want the cheerleaders to graze at halftime.
Why do Wake Forest cheerleaders wear bibs?
To keep the tobacco juice off the uniforms.
How do you get a Maryland graduate off your porch?
Pay for the pizza.
How many Florida State freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because that’s a sophomore course at Florida State.
What’s the difference between the Florida Gators and a dollar bill?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
How do you castrate a Tennessee Volunteers fаn? A: Kick his sister in the mouth.
What does a Syracuse fаn do when his team has won the National Championship?
He turns off his PlayStation 3.
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I'm not your typical black comedian. I don't do a lot of jokes about white people. I'd like to, but I was born in Denver, Colorado.
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When he was describing the people who ride the number seven train, I thought he was personally talking about members of my family.
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Just like to start out, if I might, by mentioning up front that I'm German. I know there's a lot of baggage that goes along with my saying that. I know as soon as I say it, right away everyone's thinking, 'Oh my God, this guy is gonna be funny.' What if I'm not? What if I'm not as funny as some of the other German comics you've seen before?
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I know exactly how every single Asian in the audience felt because you looked at me like, 'Oh God, please be funny. Please be funny.' Before it was just comedy, now I'm doing it for the nation. It's political. Now I do a punch line, I'm like, 'Yeah, take that, whiтеy! Ha!'
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I'm English, but I want to let you know that even though I'm English, I'm not here to solve a мurdеr mystery.
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Mexicans work hard, brother. They work harder than everybody. Mexican's have the strongest work ethic on earth. If Mexicans had been slaves, slavery would've been over real quick because they'd have done 300 hours of work in about nine hours and still have time for a soccer game.
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