Newest jokes - Page 2816

Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year
Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

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Food Jokes

There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred.
Bill's wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.
But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired.
His wife asked,
"What's the matter, Bill?
You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now."
Bill said,
"Well, something terrible happened.
Fred had a heart attack on the first hole."
"My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him.
"That must've been terrible!"
"It was," he said.
"All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again..."

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Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Sports Jokes Golf jokes

How do Chinese people name their kids?
Throw a spoon down the stairs.
Ching chang chong ting.

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Kids Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes China Jokes

Little Johnny got kicked out of class today!
The teacher asked him, “If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?”
Apparently, “Three вlоwjовs and enough left for a kebab,” was the wrong answer.

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Little Johnny Jokes School Jokes

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said,
"I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her раnтiеs and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said,
"That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife replies,
"No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my аss."

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken.
So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes

Why don't cows ever have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry.

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Money jokes Animal Jokes

Three Spies are captured in London. One is German, one is French and the other is Italian.
First they interrogate the German spy and after 3 hours of torture he talks and is thrown back into the cell with the others.
Then the French spy is interrogated, and after about 8 hours of torture they get him to talk and throw him back with the others.
Last they interrogate the Italian spy and after 20 hours of torture and failing to make him say a word they give up for the day and throw him back with the others. When he is back in the cell with the other spies asked him,
"How did you last that long without saying a word"? Then the Italian man says,
"I was trying to speak but they had my hands strapped down and I wasn't able to move them".

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Nationality Jokes Men jokes

Husband is reading the news paper.... wife comes in and says "honey I love you so much" and then she says “honey I wish I would be a newspaper so that you always hold me in your arms "
Husband replied, "I also wish that so that I can change you every day like that newspaper"

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News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because i see myself in your pants.

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Pick-Up Lines Jokes Dirty jokes

What does Superman, Batman, and Ironman have in common?
When they were kids they wanted to be Chuck Norris

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Kids Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Superhero Jokes

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table
Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

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School Jokes Old People Jokes

RIP boiling water. You will be мisт.

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Sports Jokes

A little girl waited patiently as child after child sat on Santa's knee when finally her turn came.
"And what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asked.
Shocked, she stood up and looked him in the eye and said,
"Didn't you get my text?"

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Technology Jokes Christmas Jokes

What do you take care of after a car crash?
The witnesses

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Car and driving jokes

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal.
I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my gеniтаls inside.
The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
If it works, everyone buys me drinks."
The crowd agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth.
Gator closes mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a вееr bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head.
The gator opens wide, and he removes his gеniтаls unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says:
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
It's a woman.
"I'll give it a try," she says,
"But you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the вееr bottle."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Beer Jokes Military Jokes

A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist.
The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide.
The brunette said,
"You put it around your neck!"
The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"

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Blonde Jokes

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my воwеls in more than a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."
"No," the doctor said,
"I mean do you take anything?"
"Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small реnis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied, "The rest are for your father."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves. Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

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Lawyer Jokes Dog jokes

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