Newest jokes - Page 356

When somebody is totally angry, why not say:
"Yes, young Skywalker. Come over to the dark side of the Force."

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Q: Why did the bodybuilder buy tape from the hardware store?
A: Somebody told him he was ripped!

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Computer Jokes Fitness jokes Communication Jokes

It's so quiet in the Hollywood Starbucks this morning, you can hear a name drop.

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Business jokes Customer service jokes

A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting.
Bernie turns to Marv and says, "Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too."
Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?"
Bernie says, "You’re going to have to help me out here a little. What’s the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?"
Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me…"
"Yes, yes, that’s it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife: "Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes Couple jokes Restaurant Jokes Superhero Jokes American Presidents Humor

Johnny asked his mom how to deal with a girl at school who liked him a lot.
His mom told him to find out how she really feels.
Johnny asked how to do this and his mom told him to beat around the bush.
Johnny then said, "what, just like you and dad do??"

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes American Presidents Humor

"I have the body of an athlete."
"Better give it back. You're getting it out of shape."

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Sports Jokes Men vs Women Jokes

when lecturers first mention cloning to new undergrads

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Science jokes

Schrödinger's dоuсhеваg
Оnе who makes dоuсhеваg statements, particularity sexist, racist or otherwise bigoted ones, then decides whether they were ”just joking” or dead serious based оп whether other реорlе in the group approve or not.

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Science jokes

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

There was no Big Ваng at the beginning of the Universe, Chuck Norris simply sneezed.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sеxy voices."
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband.
He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Nurse jokes Phone jokes Couple jokes Hotel Jokes

A student called into school as his father in the hopes of getting out of school that day.
“My son had the flu and can’t make it to school today,” he said.
“Who is this speaking,” said the secretary.
"This is my father!”

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School Jokes Student jokes Secretary Jokes

John comes home and notices his wife nакеd in bed and the postman standing with his unzipped trousers next to the bed.
The postman wants to save the situation so he says quickly: "Mrs. Ann, I warn you for the last time! If you do not sign this letter so I will рее on your brand-new carpet."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Cheating Jokes

What does a Rubik's cube and a реnis have in common?
They both get harder the longer you play with them.

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Dirty jokes

I heard that the missionary position helps men to work out the chest and triceps... do you wanna help me verify this?

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Sex Jokes Fitness jokes Flirt jokes

A man is visiting a foreign country but does not speak the language that they speak there.
He decides to go to a church service, but the priest is speaking the native language, so the American man just does whatever the man in front of him does.
When the man in front of him stands, so does the American man.
When the man in front of him sits, so does the American man.
At one point, the priest says something, and the man in front of him stood.
So the American man stood too.
Everyone in the church gasped, so the American man hurriedly sat back down.
Later, the American man figured out that the priest was congratulating a birth.
When he had asked who was the father, and both men stood up, it had caused some confusion!

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Church jokes Dad Jokes Baby Jokes Communication Jokes American Jokes Priest Jokes

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Flirt jokes Love Jokes

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime.
Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

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Jokes about Women Chuck Norris Jokes

Two blondes are sitting on a bench at the park.
One says to the other,"Hey, which is farther, California or the moon?"
The other blonde says,"Well, duh!
Can you see California?"

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Blonde Jokes

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunк staggering along the road.
He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunк, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Dамn, that is one ugly child!."
As the drunк wandered off, the lady burst into tears.
Just then, a mailman came to her rescue.
"What's the matter, madam?" he asked.
"I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed.
"There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket.
"Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

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