Newest jokes - Page 623

Why can't single women fаrт?
They don't get an аsshоlе till they get married.

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Golfer:
"I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy:
"Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."

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Golf jokes Sports Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes

A college student picked up his date at her parents home.
He’d scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works.
Finally he asked her, “Does your Mother feed you like this at home?”
“No,” she said, “but my Mother’s not looking to get laid.”

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Office and Work Jokes Dating Jokes School Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Three statisticians go out hunting together.
After a while they spot a solitary rabbit.
The first statistician takes aim and overshoots.
The second aims and undershoots.
The third shouts out "We got him!"

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Math Jokes

I was asked by my teacher, "What was Adolf Нiтlеr's book called?"
Apparently, Adolf Нiтlеr and the Gas Chambers of Secret wasn't the correct answer.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Hitler Jokes School Jokes

Wine improves with age – the older you get the more you like it.

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Wine jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes

It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand. “It must have been terrible,” said the government man to a farmer. “All that snow.” “Could have been worse,” calmly answered the farmer. “My neighbor had more snow than me.” “How’s that?” asked the government man.
“More land,” replied the farmer.

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Farmer Jokes Men jokes

I should write a роор joke about Russia. It goes like this:
'Hey Bill, why you Russian?' 'Oh, I'm in a hurry because I have a horrible case of the Trotskys.' 'I've got the opposite problem, Bill. I have the Stalins.' 'Well, at least you don't have to worry about ruining your Lenins.'

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Nationality Jokes Russian Jokes

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my вrеаsтs.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Неll, no! He just yelled, “April Fools!” And that’s when I shot the little ваsтаrd.

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Friendship Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes April Fools' Jokes

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.
His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.
The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so dамnеd expensive?"
The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

My New Year’s resolutions are:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.

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New year jokes

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Dumbbell.
Dumbbell who?
Dumbbell doesn't work so I had to knock!

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Knock-knock jokes Office and Work Jokes

Roses are Red
Violets are blue
We’re having sex
Cause i’m stronger than you.

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Sex Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Criminal Jokes Anti-Humor Jokes

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”

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Animal Jokes Asian jokes Restaurant Jokes

It gets kinda awkward when you’re stuck slap ваng in the middle of a couple starting a full blown argument right in front of you…
They could have at least waited for me to pull my pants up and leave their bedroom first.

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Cheating Jokes

Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!

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One-Liner Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Holiday Jokes

No time for gym?
Please tell me how you watch 3 hours of TV every night.

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Fitness jokes

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

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Relationship Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Failed my biology test today:
They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes School Jokes Black People Jokes Biology jokes

Tooth Fairy

Dear _________________________________

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of
lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request
for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken воnе are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for
appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth
fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of
our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or
were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate, which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near
you.

Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the
future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy

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Dentist Jokes Dog jokes

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