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Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day a gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an еrестiоn.
The woman notices his еrестiоn, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says:
"Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies "No, what do you mean?"
She says:
"You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an еrестiоn, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities.
He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts.
Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm еrестiоn lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says:
"Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies "No, what do you mean?"
"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fаrт, it implies you called for me."
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office.
He is greeted by the smiling nакеd receptionist:
"May I help you?"
Bob says:
"Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replies:
"Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fаrт 15 times a day. No thanks!"
Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Life Jokes
Fifty Children’s Books Now At Your Local Library
1-10
You are Different and That’s Bad
Take a Walk Down the Railroad Tracks with Me
Dad’s New Wife ‘Greg’
Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An “I-Can-Do-It” Book:
A Children’s Guide to Hitchhiking
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
All Cats Go to hell
How to Kick Аss At School
11-20
Some Kittens Can Fly
Adoption: A Fresh Start
Grandpa’s new Casket
Fun With Abandoned Refrigerators
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way
Why You Were An Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21-30
Pop! Goes the Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games
The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
Nightmares: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid
A Child’s Guide to Final Arrangements
Eggs, Toilet paper, and your School
Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool
If It Feels Good, Touch It!
31-40
Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet
101 Fun Games To Play In The Road
You Can’t Help It If You’re Stupid
Patty Went Splat! (Don’t YOU Forget Your Seatbelt)
Bullies Have More Fun
Mommy’s Got A New Baby To Love
Timmy’s The Wrong Color To Be Your Friend
I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You’re Not A Sissy
Michael Jackson’s “Fun” Place
Harry Potter and the Sтоnеd Sorcerer
41-50
Why Does Mommy Almost Sneeze So Much in Her Bedroom?
Who’s My Daddy?
Small Objects and Electrical Outlets
Different Daddies Each Day of the Week
Operation and Nomenclature of the Colt 1911 45 ACP
Little Hands, Big Toasters
How To Make A Plastic Bag Space Helmet
Santa Claus And Other Lies Your Parents Told You
Why Don’t We Celebrate Father’s Day Like Other Kids?
Fun With Things Under The Kitchen Sink
Christmas Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Make My Day Laughs Men jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes Internet Jokes Harry Potter Jokes
A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature. ” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an оrаl thermometer. ”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After half an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Not with a carnation.”
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The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
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A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viаgrа tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viаgrа on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viаgrа tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viаgrа stops him from rolling out of
bed."
Un Monsieur rend visite à son papa âgé de 90 ans, à la maison de retraite où il vient juste d’être installé. - Тате, как е във старческия дом? - Ой, а что это у вашего дедушки? Ein Enkel besucht seinen Opa im Krankenhaus. Er fragt ihn: Πάει ο τύπος στο νοσοκομείο, να επισκεφθεί τον 85χρονο παππού του. - Πώς τα περνάς εδώ πέρα, παππού; ρωτάει - Υπέροχα! απαντάει ο παππούς. - Το φαΐ είναι καλό; ξαναρωτάει ο τύπος. - Τέλειο! λέει ο παππούς. - Σε φροντίζουν καλά οι νοσοκόμες; συνεχίζει ο εγγονός. - Καλύτερα δε γίνεται.... Styrbjörn besökte sin 83-årige farfar på ålderdomshemmet. Gubben ser pigg och nyter ut. – Du verkar va i fin form, farfar. Hur har du det? – Bara bra, sa den gamle. – Hur är maten? – Jättegod. I... Un uomo va a visitare il nonno 85enne ricoverato in una casa di cura per anziani. “Come va, nonno?”. “Niente male” gli fa il nonno. “E com’e’ il cibo?”. “Stupendo”. “E le infermiere?”. “Non...
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-A LIST OF EVERYTHING WRONG BIEBER HAS DONE- 27. Declared his retirement on Christmas Eve (December 2013)
26. Was photographed smoking рот (January 2013)
25. Showed up to a concert in London two hours late on a school night; booed by fans (March 2013)
24. Kicked out of a nightclub in Chicago for drinking underage (July 2013)
23. Hosted a loud party at his home, which provoked neighbors to call the cops three times (November 2013)
22. Created graffiti on a hotel in Australia (November 2013) Was stopped at the Canadian border under suspicion of a tour bus connected with his tour having drugs on board (July 2013)
21. Got evicted from a London nightclub on his birthday for stinking the place up with рот and accused of attempting to sneak in his underage friend Jaden Smith; Bieber denied that accusation (March 2013)
20. Rumored to have had three bongs, two large cookie jars filled with рот, and the ingredients for Sizzurp in his house; cops were unable to seize any of it, because it would have exceeded their warrant; LA Sheriff's department denied the claims (January 2014)
19. Got detained at customs in Australia for suspicion of drug possession and using foul language (December 2013)
18. Forced his bodyguards to carry him up the Great Wall of China (October 2013)
17. Got into a fight with a paparazzo; аssаulт charges were never filed (May 2012)
16. Got into a “scuffle” with a DJ in South Korea who refused to play his requests (October 2013)
15. Was photographed apparently spitting on his fans; Bieber denies that’s what happened (July 2013)
14. Allegedly spit at a DJ, who filed a police report for the incident (July 2013)
13. Allegedly started a bar brawl in a New York nightclub, although he wasn’t personally involved in the fight (August 2013)
12. Peed in a bucket in the kitchen of a restaurant where he was eating (July 2013)
11. Was rumored to have cheated on Selena Gomez, causing their break-up (February 2013)
10. Got charged with a driving offense for driving up to 100 MPH in an attempt to lose the paparazzi that were following him (July 2012)
9. Groped a stripper at a sтriр club (October 2013)
8. Allegedly had drugs and a stun gun on his tour bus in Sweden, apprehended by police (April 2013)
7. Got himself barred from Germany for not paying an outstanding $800,000 fine (August 2013)
6. Was photographed coming out of a brothel in Brazil; the girl he allegedly slept with released a video of him sleeping online (November 2013)
5. Accused of egging his neighbor’s house and causing $20,000 worth of damages, making it a felony; Bieber's house was searched and his friend Lil Za was arrested (January 2014)
4. Accused of spitting at and threatening to кill his neighbor, who confronted him about his reckless driving; no charges were filed (October 2013)
3. Allegedly hit a paparazzo with his car; charges were later dismissed (July 2013)
2. Got arrested on charges of drag racing in a residential area, driving under the influence, resisting arrest, and driving with an expired license (January 2014)
1. Abandoned his pet monkey, OG Mally, in Germany after the animal was seized when Bieber couldn’t produce the right paperwork to take it on tour (March 2013)
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Шотландец лови риба в езерото Лох Нес. An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze. A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you don't believe in... Un écossais athée était en train de pêcher sur le Loch Ness quand tout à coup son bateau est attaqué par le monstre (Nessie quoi),. D'un seul coup d'échine, la bête propulse le bateau et son... Aquele ateu confesso estava pescando tranquilo no lago Ness, quando, de repente, vê um monstro enorme emergir do lago. Apavorado, começa a gritar: — Socorro! Socorro! Mas ninguém consegue ouvir os...
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