Newest jokes - Page 748

My son asked, “Dad, how come I have brown skin and you are white?”
“Well just look at your mum, son.” I said.
“But she’s not black.”
“I know, you idiот!” I replied, “She’s a fсuкing whоrе!”

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“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.” — Erma Bombeck “An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” — Irv Kupcinet “Growing up, Christmas was always about me, and eventually you, when I finally started to enjoy the giving part. But Thanksgiving is always about us.” — Rosecrans Baldwin My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes ... but I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey."
"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.” — Oprah Winfrey If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet. What does Thanksgiving have in common with Halloween? Gobble-ins! Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play. Why did the turkey play the drums in his band? Because he already had drum sticks! “If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get.” — Frank A. Clark If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims! “Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg.” - Tom Swyers “I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” - Robert Brault

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Christmas Jokes One-Liner Jokes Halloween Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

One day Chuck Norris, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger die and go to heaven. they see God in his throne and beside him is an empty seat. God says to them “Only one of you can have this seat. tell me why you believe you should have it.” Arnold says “I believe I deserve that seat because I have given back to the community and showed the importance of physical fitness.” Sylvester says “I believe I should have that seat because I have been a good role model by teaching people to stand up for themselves.” Chuck Norris then goes over to God, looks at him in the eyes and says, “I believe you are sitting in my seat.”

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God Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Fitness jokes

A man found a genie in a magic lamp and was granted three wishes. The genie said, "For every wish you make, your wife gets two." The man asked for a car and the genie gave his wife two. Then the man asked for a house and again his wife got double. The jealous husband said, "For my last wish, beat me half to death."

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Men jokes Relationship Jokes

Patient: It must be tough spending all day with your hands inside someone's mouth?

Dentist: I prefer to think of it as having my hands inside their wallet.

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Dentist Jokes

McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains.
The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It’s to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains.
When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "I’m meetin’ me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?"
Kelly was standing in front of Cohan’s Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street.
He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jеrк.
Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!"
"I know, you idiот!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Aviation Jokes Weather jokes

Me: Staring contest. Go!
Me: O.O
Friend:
- .-
Me: I win! You blinked! Haha
Friend: You ваsтаrd, I'm asian!

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Friendship Jokes Asian jokes

The Irish gave the Scots the Bagpipes as a cruel joke that was taken seriously.

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Music and Musician Jokes

The professor of a university was extremely busy explaining something important with regard to his subject to the students when a girl belonging to the same class arrived late at the door and said, "May I get in, sir?"

"Don't you think you're terribly late today?" said the angry professor to the girl.

The girl then said, "When I was coming to college, a boy was following me, sir."

"I hope he hasn't stalked you. Yet, why did you get late?" demanded the professor.

Without a moment hesitation the girl replied, "But, he was walking slowly, sir."

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School Jokes College jokes

The bartender asks:
"Would all three of you like some вееr?"
The first one replies, "I don't know."
The second one replies, "I don't know either."
The third replies, "Yes."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Math Jokes Beer Jokes

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they're trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.

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Insult Jokes Science jokes

Congress does some strange things. They put a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.

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Political Jokes

What do you call a gаy bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand.

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is sтuрid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Operating in stand-by mode.
Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
Out there where the buses don't run.
Outlet isn't grounded.
Over the rainbow.
Overdue for reincarnation.
Overruns above 110 baud.
Paged/swapped out.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Parents beat him with an ugly stick.
Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
Perfect chassis, bad driver.
Perfect face for Halloween.

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Halloween Jokes

The other day it was me and my wive’s wedding anniversary, and I told her that to me she was like Неrоin.
”Why, because once you try me you come back for more?” She giggled.
”No”, I replied, ”because you ruin peoples lives.”

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Wedding jokes

An old seamstress is slowly walking back to her job from lunch, when a flasher jumps out of an alley and opens his coat wide.
The old woman looks him up and down, shakes her head sadly, and says "You call that a lining?"

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Old People Jokes

Мiск and Раddy are walking along when Мiск falls down an open manhole. Раddy shouts down: “What shall I do?” Мiск barks back: “Call me an ambulance!” ….
….
Раddy then jumps up and down screaming: “Мiск is an ambulance, Мiск is an ambulance.”

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Irish jokes

A man went to a bank and gave them 60 000$ worth of bonds to hold for him and he asked to take out a loan of 1$. The next year he came back to the bank to get his bonds and the accountant asked him "If you have all that money in bonds, why did you need to borrow 1$." The man replied, “Do you know any other way I can use a safety deposit box for only 7 cents a year?"

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Money jokes Men jokes Business jokes Banker Jokes

Why was the picture sent to jail?
It was framed.

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Police Officer Jokes

Latest Jokes