Newest jokes - Page 785

– “Dad, how do stars die?”
– “Usually an overdose.”

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Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

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Jokes

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

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Kids Jokes

Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"
Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny. "You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

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American Football Jokes

My family is like a treasure…
You need a map and shovel to find them.

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Dark Humor Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

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Religion jokes Priest Jokes

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good рее. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good воwеl movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long рее. At around 6:30 am I have a great воwеl movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.

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Jokes

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a sтuрid burned-out light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: I can't reach the sтuрid lamp! Toy Poodle: I'll just вlоw in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me! Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . . Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still рее on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover. Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there... Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

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Irish jokes

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sеx. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed, "What the hеll did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

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Jokes

Two gаys were at a dance.
As they were jigging about the floor with each other.
Two massive guys entered the hall 6 foot 6 20 stone and full of muscle One gаy asked his mate "Is that the bouncers that have just come in?"
"No" grinned the other,"That's the raffle."

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fат lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart

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Jokes

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

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Priest Jokes

Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.
They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:
"Yes."
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:
"Yes what?"
Instantly the computer responded:
"Yes Sir."

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Computer Jokes Military Jokes

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning.I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay, I looked from his muddy boots to my newly-scrubbed floors."Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down some newspapers for you."
"That's all right, Lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

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Car and driving jokes

One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said,
"God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"
God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order, but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they're gone! They're gone!"
"The street gang?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"

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Car and driving jokes Religion jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes Criminal Jokes

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Why are priests called father? - Because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

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Priest Jokes One-Liner Jokes Dad Jokes Priest Jokes

You haven't lived until you've tried me nans chocolate sponge cake

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Dirty jokes

A fine example of sophisticated British humour

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Jokes

THIS TENT LOOKS LIKE IT'S "35 AND READY TO SETTLE DOWN"

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Dirty jokes

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