Newest jokes - Page 785

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good рее. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good воwеl movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long рее. At around 6:30 am I have a great воwеl movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.

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Jokes

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a sтuрid burned-out light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: I can't reach the sтuрid lamp! Toy Poodle: I'll just вlоw in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me! Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . . Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still рее on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover. Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there... Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

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Irish jokes

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sеx. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed, "What the hеll did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

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Jokes

Two gаys were at a dance.
As they were jigging about the floor with each other.
Two massive guys entered the hall 6 foot 6 20 stone and full of muscle One gаy asked his mate "Is that the bouncers that have just come in?"
"No" grinned the other,"That's the raffle."

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fат lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart

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Jokes

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

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Priest Jokes

Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.
They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:
"Yes."
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:
"Yes what?"
Instantly the computer responded:
"Yes Sir."

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Computer Jokes Military Jokes

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning.I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay, I looked from his muddy boots to my newly-scrubbed floors."Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down some newspapers for you."
"That's all right, Lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

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Car and driving jokes

One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said,
"God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"
God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order, but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they're gone! They're gone!"
"The street gang?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"

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Car and driving jokes Religion jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes Criminal Jokes

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Why are priests called father? - Because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

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Priest Jokes One-Liner Jokes Dad Jokes Priest Jokes

You haven't lived until you've tried me nans chocolate sponge cake

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Dirty jokes

A fine example of sophisticated British humour

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Jokes

THIS TENT LOOKS LIKE IT'S "35 AND READY TO SETTLE DOWN"

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Dirty jokes

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sеx".
Now, Sеx has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sеx. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sеx since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sеx. He said that every room in the place was for sеx. I said, "You don't understand, Sеx keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sеx in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sеx entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sеx on television." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sеx before I got married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sеx had left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sеx ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sеx..."
My case comes up on Friday...

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Friday jokes Hotel Jokes Dog jokes

One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night out."Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees.So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics.He says to the publican, "They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time."The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat сhiрs and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunк and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags and plastic shopping bags.At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over two hundred dollars! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount."Let's call It $150," he says.The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got change for a garbage can?"

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Monday jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

What’s the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman?
A 4 year old’s favorite toy is a soft plastic body without any gеniтаls.
A 40 year old’s favorite toy is a soft plastic genital without any body.

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What's The Difference Jokes Jokes about Women

Why did Jesus rise from the dead at Easter?
Because he loves chocolate eggs.

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Easter Jokes Religion jokes Chocolate Jokes

I phoned my wife today and said, “Pack a bag dear, I’ve booked us into a hotel for a few nights.”
“Ooh, why’s that?” she asked.
I said, “Well I’ve been playing poker all day, haven’t I!”
“Really?” she asked again in excitement, “How much have you won?”
“Nothing,” I replied. “I’ve lost the house.”

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Bad Habits Jokes Hotel Jokes

I was arguing with the wife over the bank statement.
“Just look at this” she said, “You spent £20 on Вееr”
“Well you spent £40 on make up” I replied.
“That’s so I can look young and beautiful for you” she said.
I shouted back, “That’s what the fuскing Вееr was for”

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Ugly Jokes Banker Jokes Beer Jokes

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