Newest jokes - Page 800

Yo momma is so sтuрid when they asked her 1+1 she said "Ouch! it is a long story."

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Me in a room with my ex wife, Нiтlеr and Stalin and I have one gun and two bullets. Let me shoot my ex two times to be sure.

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Insult Jokes Hitler Jokes

My psychologist told me not to keep things bottled up so I went home and drank all my wine.

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Psychology and Psychiatry Jokes Wine jokes

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you don´t mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Old People Jokes Dad Jokes

Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

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Farmer Jokes

A man charged with аssаulт and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit".

When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."

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Lawyer Jokes

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Chicken.
Chicken who?
Chicken your pockets. I think the keys are in there.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Knock-knock jokes

Once upon a tie there were 3 prisoners about to be executed via firing squad and upon asking the first prisoner if they had anything left to say, he yelled, "Oh my God! Killer Bee swarms!" Everyone panicked and scattered and ran and that prisoner was able to escape.

After all the chaos calmed, they brought out the second prisoner. They did the same asking about last words, the prisoner yelled "Tsunami & Tornadoes!" Once again the crowd scattered and prisoner #2 escaped.

Now, everyone was reassembled and they brought out prisoner #3. Same practice once again. This time the prisoner yelled "FIRE!"

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Criminal Jokes

If my son farts or has his hands down his pants, my wife smiles and says, “Like father, like son!”
Yesterday we caught him shаgging the neighbour, but for some reason it wasn’t funny when I said it.

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Cheating Jokes

I always shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating those two pizzas by myself.

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Fitness jokes

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her раnтiеs and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your раnтiеs,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes Dad Jokes Single People Jokes

Which traffic sign allows you to make a U-turn on a highway in Finland?
You are approaching the Russian border.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes

A man seating on a window seat discovered two engines on fire. He began to holler, two engines on fire! Two engines on fire! The passengers began to panic. Suddenly the pilot ran from the cockpit with a parachute on his back. “Don’t worry”! He yelled. I’m going for help!

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Men jokes Pilot Jokes Aviation Jokes

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?", the pal asks.
"Waiting for me to get home."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes

COLLEGE MATHEMATICS EXAM PAPER

INSTRUCTIONS: ATTEMPT ALL QUESTIONS. ALL QUESTIONS CARRY EQUAL MARKS.

You have dated a girl for 2 years, eventually she drops you for another guy. Calculate the percentage of time wasted.
(20 marks)

You bought a phone for your girlfriend and she gave it to another guy. Using trigonometric identities, derive a general formula for this type of love.
(20 marks)

(For Boys) You’re dating around 15 girls and every girl is demanding for a Samsung Galaxy and an iPhone 6s.

(a) Plot a graph of girls against prices of phones.
(15 marks)

(b) Use your graph to estimate your future poverty.
(5 marks)

You are dating other peoples’ sisters yet you don’t want to see any guy with your sister. Calculate the Percentage Error in your thinking capacity.
(20 marks)

You are a civil servant, your wife is a petty trader, your combined household income is less than $500. Your daughter who is awaiting result is using iPhone 6s and Samsung Galaxy both worth $2,000. Calculate the Percentage of your Parental Negligence.
(20 marks)

(For girls) You’re a girl and you have dated 20 guys with hard labor, use the law of diminishing return to calculate the substance that will be left for your husband to enjoy.
(20 marks)

You can’t give your wife $15 for a рот of soup, but you spend over $100 in bars and restaurants. Calculate the radius of your ‘stupidity’, take p=3.142.
(20 marks)

GOOD LUCK!

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Military Jokes College jokes Math Jokes Apple and iPhone Jokes Restaurant Jokes

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

I don’t like it when some clown in a cowboy hat comes up and starts asking me personal questions. My name and where I’m from is none of their business.

Then they ask random questions like, "How many fingers am I holding up?" or "Do you remember the name of the bull you were riding?"

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Cowboys and Indians Jokes

A teacher in a political science class asked the students, "Who is the most powerful person in the US?"
A student answered, "The First Pet?"
The teacher then asked, "Why?"
The student explained, "Because, the president kneels before him, talks to him, listens to him, follows him, prefers him to office staff, looks after his wellbeing before the voters', cancels/defers official duties in favor of him, and boards Airforce One first."

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Political Jokes Science jokes

I went into a Liberal clothing store today to purchase some pants. When I started trying on a few pairs, I noticed that all the pockets except one were visibly removed. I stopped a clerk and ask him if anyone complained. He said "No, Liberals always want a hand out." I asked what happened to the other pockets. "They don't go to waste: Conservatives use them to line theirs."

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Political Jokes

A hомо went to Denmark to have a sеx change operation performed.
When 'SHE' returned, a friend asked, "How did it go?"
"Oh awful, just awful!" she replied.
"What was so awful?" asked the friend, "Did it hurt a lot when they removed the extra parts?"
"Oh no," she replied, "That wasn't bad at all."
"Well, did it hurt when they put in the silicone implants?" the friend asked.
"Oh no, that wasn't bad either!" she replied.
"Well then," asked the friend, "What was so awful?"
"It was when they cut a hole in my head and took out half my brain!"

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Sex Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Friendship Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

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