Business jokes

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her sсrеwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sеx toys and started looking around.
He thought about a life-sized sеx doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildоs, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation, the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildоs, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo diск,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo diск?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildо.
The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fuскing deal. It looks like every other dildо in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo diск, the door."
The voodoo diск rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started sсrеwing the keyhole.
The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a сrаск developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo diск, get back in your box!"
The voodoo diск stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildо and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo diск, my рussy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably hоrny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo diск. She got it out, and said "Voodoo diск, my рussy!"
The voodoo diск shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three оrgаsмs, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every тhrusт of the dildо.
On the way, another оrgаsм nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo diск was stuck in her рussy, and wouldn't stop sсrеwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo diск, my аss!"
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While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted. Kaksi alle kouluikäistä poikaa, sattuivat keskustelemaan eläintarhassa eräänä päivänä. - Minun nimeni on Pekka. Mikä sinun nimesi on? kysyi ensimmäinen poika. - Tommi, vastasi toinen. - Minun isi... Deux enfants à l’école : - Moi mon père, il est comptable, et toi ? - Le mien est avocat. - Il est honnête ? - Non, seulement avocat.
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Рангел се буди след едногодишна кома. La mujer que siempre acompañaba al marido Ein Mann liegt nach einem Autounfall wochenlang im Koma. Жена седи до леглото на умиращия си съпруг. Той я пита: Ein alter, sehr kranker Mann sagt zu seiner Frau: Жена седи до леглото на умиращия си съпруг. Той ѝ казал: Um homem estava em coma algum tempo, sua esposa ficava a cabeceira dele dia e noite. Até que um dia o homem acorda, faz um sinal para a mulher, para se aproximar e sussurrar-lhe: Ein Mann lag seit längerem im Koma, aus dem er ab und zu erwachte. Lei: "Ti devo parlare..." Un homme se trouvait dans le coma depuis un certain temps. Son épouse était à son chevet jour et nuit. Un jour, l'homme se réveilla. Il fit signe à son épouse de s'approcher et lui chuchota : "Durant tous ces malheurs tu étais à mes côtés. Lorsque j'ai été licencié, tu étais la pour moi. Lorsque... Een man ligt al een tijdje in coma en zijn vrouw wijkt geen minuut van zijn ziekbed. Op een dag komt de man bij bewustzijn en wenkt zijn vrouw meteend ichterbij. Hij fluistert haar in het oor: "In... Cafer komadadır. Yanında ise karısı... Cafer’in gözleri nemli, kısık sesiyle karısına doğru bakar ve konuşmaya başlar: "İlk işten kovulduğum zaman yanımda idin. İflas ettiğim gün oradaydın....
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Влиза един каубой в бар, отива до бармана: Мужик в час ночи заходит в какой-то бар и заказывает кружку пива. Бармен говорит: En man gick in på ett kafé, gick till baren och beställde en öl. - Visst, det blir en cent. - En cent? utropade mannen. Han tittade på menyn och frågade: - Hur mycket kostar en trevlig saftig stek... Certa noite, um homem entra num restaurante, vai até ao balcão e pede uma cerveja. — Com certeza, senhor! — Quanto é? — 20 centavos! — 20 centavos? — grita o homem, sem querer acreditar. — Sim, é... Przychodzi do knajpy facet i mówi do kelnera: - Setka i zakąska. Kelner przynosi, gość wypija, przekąsza i mówi do kelnera: - Chciałbym zapłacić. Kelner na to: - Nic pan nie płaci, na koszt firmy.... En engelsman kom in på en bar i Kina. Han satte sig ner och beställde en singel-malt whisky. Servitören sa på sin något knaggliga kinesiska engelska: – THATS VERY NICE SIR, NO PROBLEM SIR, ONLY 5...
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Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (CEOs of MicroSoft, Intel, and AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting.
During the serious, tense discussion, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting.
Bill says, “Oh, that’s my beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I need to take this call.”
So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie.
After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him.
Bill explains, “Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way I can take a call anywhere.”
The others nod and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping.
He states, “Excuse me gentlemen, this must be an important call.”
So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.
When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, “I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth.”
The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fаrт.
He looks up at the others staring at him and says, “Somebody get me a piece of paper… I’m receiving a FAX."
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Бай Ганьо, американецът и англичанинът си говорят кой какво подарил на жена си. Um cara compra dois presentes de Natal para suas esposa. A mulher abre o primeiro presente:,- Veja só, um par de chinelos -, diz ela, enquanto se move rapidamente para o segundo presente. - Um vibrador? -, diz ela em estado de choque.,- Sim -, responde o marido. - Assim se você não... Got my wife a dildo and some shoes for her birthday. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself. No velho bar de sempre, os três amigos bebiam e conversavam: — Acabei de comprar um colar de ouro com brilhantes e um anel de rubi pra minha namorada — disse o primeiro deles. — Sabe como é, se ela não gostar do colar, pelo menos vai gostar do anel. — E eu acabo de comprar um celular pra minha...
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Блондинка влиза в библиотека, крещейки: Blonde in a Library библиотека им. ленина. в читальном зале сидят доктора наук,... A blonde went in the library and walked up to the librarian behind the desk and said, "I would like a cheeseburger." The librarian replied,"Shh! This is a library!" The blonde blushed."oh, sorry.." then she whispered, "I would like a cheeseburger." Μπαίνει μια ξανθιά στη βιβλιοθήκη και αρχίζει να φωνάζει: - "Μια πίτα γύρο από όλα χωρίς μουστάρδα." Ο βιβλιοθηκάριος της λέει διακριτικά: - "Συγνώμη κυρία μου, αλλά εδώ είναι βιβλιοθήκη." Και η ξανθιά απαντάει χαμηλόφωνα: - "Α! με συγχωρείτε. Μια πίτα γύρο από όλα χωρίς μουστάρδα." Une blonde rentre dans une blibliothéque et elle dit : - "un coca , une frite et un bigmac" le dirigent dit : - "madame vous êtes dans une blibliothéque" - "Ah !d'accord ! " en chuchotant elle dit : "un coca , une frite et un bigmac"... Sarışının biri kütüphaneye gitmiş ve direk bankoya yönelerek görevliden bir hamburger, bir kola ve bir de patates kızartması istemiş. Görevlinin saf saf yüzüne baktığını gören sarışın bu sefer daha... En blondin gick till ett bibliotek och sa - Hej, kan jag få en Big Mac & company? - Eh, det här är ett bibliotek! - Oj förlåt, En Big Mac & company (viskandes) Un fou entre dans une bibliothèque : "-Bonjour, je voudrais un burger s'il vous plaît ! - Mais monsieur, nous sommes dans une librairie ! - Ah pardon ! [Chuchote] Bonjour, je voudrais un burger... En blondin klev in i ett bibliotek och gick fram till bibliotikarien och sa: - En hamburgare med pommes tack! - Men lilla vännen, det här är ett bibliotek! Blondinen ursäktade sig och viskade:... Geht eine Blondine in die Bibliothek und fragt: "Kann ich ein Döner haben?" Sagt der Bibliothekar: "Das hier ist eine Bibliothek." Flüstert die Blondine "Kann ich einen Döner haben." Een dom blondje komt de bibliotheek binnen en roept: “Een zak friet en een frikandel!” Sssssst u bent hier in een bibliotheek, sust de dame achter de balie. Oké zegt het domme blondje zachtjes... Une blonde entre dans une bibliothèque, se dirige vers le comptoir et dit : - Bonjour, un coca, une frite et un bigmac s'il vous plait. - Madame vous êtes dans une bibliothèque, réplique la... C’est une blonde qui rentre dans une bibliothèque et qui demande à l’accueil : - Bonjour, je voudrais un hamburger ? un grand coca et une grande frite ! Le bibliothécaire : - Madame, vous êtes dans...
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Two entrepreneurs, Jack and John, decided to start a bungee-jumping business south of the border.
They went to Casa del Sol, Mexico, built a huge platform, and opened for business.
By noon the first day, they both noticed that while everyone was watching, no one was buying tickets.
Jack told John to go up and jump, so everyone could see how much fun it was, and then they would buy tickets and try it.
John jumped, almost reached the ground, and sprang back up.
Jack saw that his shirt was torn and his hair was mussed.
John came down again and sprang back up.
This time he had several bruises and his clothes were ripped to shreds.
The third time down and back up, and he had several open wounds, a broken arm, and was bruised over most of his body.
Jack quickly raised John to the platform and asked him what in the world was going on.
John replied, "I’m not sure. Do you know what 'pinata' means?"
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