Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

A patient that was waiting for a heart transplant has the chance to choose tree alternatives:
1. One heart is from a young athlete that died from a car accident.
2. Second is the heart of a business man that never smoked or drunк that died from an airplane accident.
3. The last one is a lawyers heart that died after 30 years of experience.
I'll take the lawyers heart.
After the transplant, the doctor asks the patient:
"Why did you choose the lawyers heart?"
"Simple! I chose the heart that was less used..."

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A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do. Little Mary went first, “My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives”
“That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”
“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane “Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”
“My daddy is dead” says Johnny “Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”
“He turned blue and shiт on the carpet”

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Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes School Jokes

On the first day of the deer hunting season, a hunter fell out of a deer stand and broke both his legs.
"Why couldn't this happen on my last day of hunting?!" the hunter cried to the doctor.
"It did," the doctor replied.

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Hunting Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Communication Jokes

A woman heads to the doctors office for her usual checkup.
While there, the doc notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it, "Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sеx."
The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup.
While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of a Y and inquires about it,"Oh, my boyfriend is really into wearing his Yale sweater during sеx."
The next day, another woman comes in, again, for a simple checkup.
This woman too has a rash on her chest, and the doctor, catching on with the trend, asks,"So, Does your boyfriend go to Wisconsin?"
The girl replies, "Nah, but my girlfriend goes to Michigan."

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes

Q: Did you hear about the new Viаgrа eye-drops?
A: Apparently they make you look hard.

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Viagra jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering "Chun Yu Yan" over and over – and then died.
I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial.
Apparently, it means "You're standing on my oxygen tube."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Friendship Jokes Asian jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Fitness jokes

Patient: "Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?"
Doctor: "That is what I want to find out myself."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

Doctor: "Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?"
Patient: "What pills?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Drug Jokes

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well no, but … it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

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Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Africa Jokes Military Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Natalie, a pretty but distraught blonde model, took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time a man takes me out, I wind up in bed with him. And then afterward I feel guilty and depressed all day long."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist.
"And you want me to strengthen your will power."
"Heavens, NO!" exclaimed the model.
"I want you to fix it so I don't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

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Blonde Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

A man and his wife went to the pharmacy to pick up his prescription for Viаgrа.
Seeing the $10 per pill price his wife was astonished - but then realized "it's only going to cost us $30 per year."

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Viagra jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting.
The director of the group said, "Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."
"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"
"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Boss Jokes

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.
The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urinе sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?"
So the doctor says it again.
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINЕ SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news."
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," said the patient.
"How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes News and Politics Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.”
“When did these start?”
“Next Thursday.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 feet 4",' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fат!'
She put me on Prozac. What a вiтсh.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Nurse jokes

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my ваlls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his теsтiсlе removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his теsтiсlе removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other теsтiсlе must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very resistant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.
After two weeks of being теsтiсlе-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My реnis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his реnis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But...how do I рее?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So the patient has his реnis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again.
He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hеll is happening??"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,
"Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

An old man went to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gave him a clean bill of health.
“You’re in excellent shape for a 75-year-old man,” he said. “But I’m afraid I can’t make you any younger.”
“Who asked you to make me younger?” the man replied. “You just make sure I keep getting older!”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Superhero Jokes

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viаgrа. The guy asks for a large dose of the strongest variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much.
The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.
Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks, "Why, is your d**k in that much pain?"
"No," says the guy, "it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!"

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Viagra jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes