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Political Joke

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These days there are only two political parties in India… BJP and anti-BJP…
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What are the differences between Santa and Joe Biden.
The kids actually want to sit on Santa’s lap
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A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner.
"Why so much?" asks the customer.
"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."
The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner.
"3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"
To which the owner replies,
"To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."
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An insect falls into a mug of вееr.
Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out.
American : Takes the insect out and drinks the вееr.
Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the вееr away.
Indian : Sells the вееr to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of вееr.
Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing the insect into his вееr, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of вееr.
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Just been watching the news and it’s f*ckin terrifying. Election night has now officially become more scary than Halloween.
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Just had an email about a cheap holiday in Syria. Don’t think I’ll BEHEADING to the Middle East any time soon.
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I heard on the radio today that a warlord in Afghanistan has purchased over 3 million poppies. It’s great to see Islamic military leaders showing their respect to the British Armed Forces.
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I used to make a lot of money in houses but then the police tracked me down and confiscated my printing press.
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Three Boy Scouts, were fishing in a boat one day when they heard a lot of commotion. They followed the sounds and found another boat capsized as a man struggled to keep his head above water. Being Boy Scouts, they went to his aid and fished the man out.
The man was Bill Clinton. The ex-president toweled himself off and caught his breath, and thanked the three scouts. He asked if there was anything he could do for them. "I'd sure like a tour of the White House," the first scout said. "Can you still pull that off?"
"No problem," said Bill. "How's next week?"
"I want to go for a ride in Air Force One," said the second scout.
"We can do that next week, too," Bill replied.
"I'd like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery," said the third.
"I'm sure we can arrange that," said Bill. "But son, you're awfully young to be worrying about that, aren't you?"
"You don't know my Dad," the scout replied. "When he finds out I helped save your life, he's gonna кill me!"
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What did the young Arnold Schwarzenegger state, when attending music school in Austria, after turning down the chance to become another Beethoven, Mozart or Chopin? What did he say?
"I'll be Bach."
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What’s the difference between sеx and the US Presidential elections?
In sеx, the decision to choose the сunт or the аrsеhоlе is a pleasure.
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In this era of political correctness, you really have to watch what you say. I had an incident here in New York City on the subway. This black gentleman approached me really enthusiastically, and he asked, 'Hey man, did the Yankees win?' And I said, 'Yeah -- you're free.'
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A speaker at Democratic National Convention asked the audience, "Are you better off now?"
The audience answered in chorus voice, "Yes."
As soon as the loud voice turned silent, a delegate stood up and asked,
"How did the GOP get better off?"
The speaker declared, "We all are on the same boat, remember?"
The delegate exasperated, "Yeah, Noah's Ark - animals in couples!"
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Ban pre-shredded cheese…. Make America grate again!!
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Cant belive how bad things have become in the world recently. People have no respek anymore. Even in the dictionary the word respek has been taken out.
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Politically correct terms for cat owners:
- My cat does not ваrf hairballs, he is a floor/rug re-decorator.
- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
- My cat is not a "shedding machine," she is a hair relocation stylist.
- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food.
- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
- My cat is not fат, he is mass enhanced.
- My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
- My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination
(which should always be the food dish).
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Saw a female police officer stripping last night at a club.
I had no idea the recession had hit the police force this hard!
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It’s a disgrace that the UK has recently lost its AAA credit rating. Just because our main export is Walkers Crisps and half the population is on unemployment benefits doesn’t mean we have a weak economy.
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