Political Joke

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"Dad, I want to become a politician," said Jim.
His father asked,
"And what are you doing to become one?"
"Nothing, dad."
"Good, you're halfway there then."

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Three Friends
Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adan's rib - a surgical procedure." The engineer replied:
"Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." The politician said,
"Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"

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The news is full of lies… Just went to the bank to get my hair cut and security escorted me from the premises!

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New simplified income tax:
1. How much money did you make this year?
2. Send it to us.

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The year 2045:
“Dad, how did President Trump ever get elected?:
“Well, we were a bit distracted back then. That was the year adult coloring books came out.”

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Foreign Aid : Poor people in a rich country sending money to rich people in a poor country.

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I'm the life of the party ... even when it lasts until 8 p. M.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home... before I get to where I am going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid, etc.
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because... I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care...
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians ...
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy... and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...
I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies!
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fат, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory...
I'm walking more to the bathroom and enjoying it less.
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors... absolutely nothing!
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts ... I've just lost the storeroom.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me...

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I'm an old school, hаrdсоrе political activist. For instance, I still won't eat grapes because of the plight of the migrant farm workers. I also won't eat raisins because of the older migrant farm workers. That's how hаrdсоrе I am. I also won't eat prunes. That's for a completely different reason.

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After successfully getting their big line items approved in the congressional spending package, two lobbyists were celebrating at a Washington restaurant.
“You know,” mused one, “it’s a crying, shame our grandchildren and great-grandchildren haven’t been born yet so they can see the terrific things the government‘s doing with their money.

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Heaven is a place where the police are English; the chefs are Italian; the car mechanics are German; the lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is a place where the police are German; the chefs are English; the car mechanics are French; the lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.

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I’m getting so tired of this “politically correct” abrogation of our free speech, Why did they replace a perfectly good word “Jungle” with “Rainforest?”
Personally I don’t think “Rainforest Rabbit” will ever become mainstream.

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The following conversation took place in a government meeting regarding the school curriculum.
Adviser: So what are we gonna teach the kids?
Politician: I’ve decided to go with Pythagoras’s theorem.
Adviser: But what about car repairs, applying for loans, buying a house, starting a business or doing taxes?
Politician: No!! Finding the length of a triangle is more important.

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Can’t believe how sеxy politics has become since Barack Obama took office. When he was on the TV the other day I think I must have jеrкеd off about 3 times.

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Top 5 worst things to say to airport security.
1. This pat-down is really turning me on.
2. I have a sword in my pants.
3. Would you like to buy some сосаinе? I can give you a special deal.
4. Why don’t you get a real job you fат f*ck?
5. Can you hurry up please? My bomb is due to explode in about 30 minutes!

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I got thrown out of Barclays Bank today. I was trying to deposit £300,000 in cash but apparantly monopoly money is not a “real currency”!

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The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.
"Ma!!!," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!!!"
"Honestly?", his mother replied.
The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hеll, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

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A selection of quotes from "I miss Dan Quayle".
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
- - J. Danforth Quayle
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- - J. Danforth Quayle
"Republicans understand the importance of воndаgе between a mother and child."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

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Prince Harry has heroically volunteered to destroy a cannabis field in Afghanistan. The mission will last over 2 weeks and Harry has requested additional food supplies to be made available.

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