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While sitting through an exceptionally long sermon, little Donny was getting more restless by the minute. Suddenly in a loud whisper, he blurted out, "If we give him the money now, do you think he will let us leave?"

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The Parish father passed away. He left two hundred dollars to each nun in his will. The nuns were each deciding how best to serve others with the money they had received. Sister Mary Catherine noticed a man in tattered clothing sitting on the curb across the street. She walked up to the man, handed him the 200 dollars and said, “God's Speed.”
A week later a well dressed man came to the Parish and asked for Sister Mary Catherine. She soon arrived and noticed it was the very man she had given the two hundred dollars. The man handed her a fist full of cash and said,
"Here's your share! I went to the track as you suggested and God's Speed took first place at twenty eight to one."

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God’s vacation
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God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, “You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?”
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St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, “How about Jupiter? It’s nice and COOL there this time of the year.”
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God shakes His head before saying, “No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.”
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“Hmmm,” St. Peter reflects. “Well, how about Mercury?”
“No way!” God about screams. “It’s way too hot for me there!”
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“I’ve got it,” St. Peter says, his face lighting up. “How about going down to Earth for your vacation?”
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Chuckling, God remarks, “Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they’re STILL talking about it!”

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A teacher asks her students what religious objects they have in their homes.
One boy answers, "We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it."
The next little boy says,
"We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it."
Then a third boy pipes up, "In the bathroom we have a flat, square box with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams, 'OH MY GOD!!!'"

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Pakistani to his Wife:
Our pathan watchman is casanova. He has f*ckd every woman in our buildng excpt one.
Wife: It must be Lady on 4th floor. She is very religious.

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3 young men met one pretty lady after church service. The men decided to introduce themselves. The first man says, I am Joseph but not the dreamer, the second man says I am John but not the Baptist and the last man says I am Abraham but not the father of nations. The pretty lady said hello to her new friends and introduced herself as Mary but not a virgin.

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Eric went to confession on Saturday and he told Father Duffy that he had an affair with a married woman from the parish. Father Duffy asked Eric who she was and Eric said,
"Father, I can't tell you."
Father said,
"If you don't tell me I can't give you absolution."
Eric again said,
"I know Father, but I just can't tell you."
Father Duffy then asked,
"Was it Mrs. Murphy?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Mrs. O'Malley?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Mrs. O'Brian?"
"No, Father. I just cannot tell you who it was."
Father Duffy tells Eric to go out and think about it and then come back when ready to confess who it was. Eric leaves the church and runs into his friend Jim. Jim asks, "Did you tell him you had the affair?"
"Yes. He wanted to know who it was, but I wouldn't tell him."
"What did he say? Did he give you absolution?"
"Oh no, but he did give me three new possibilities........"

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One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, ‘Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?
‘Flat on his аss, Father, over by the holy water.’

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A higgs boson particle goes into a church and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”

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A minister parked his car in a no parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note:
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

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A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber shoes.’
The entire congregation said, ‘Amen.’

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how, after the worship service, he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the
Church building.
Therefore, he was slightly annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," said the minister. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in difficulty. The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.

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A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years. Then they could only say 2 words.
The first seven years passed and they went into a small room. His 2 word were "too cold".
The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "bad food".
The next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "I quit".
"Good," they said,
"All you have done is complain."

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When I was growing up, I had a Jewish friend. After school I hung out with him at his house two or three days a week.
His family was very frugal and they weren’t very religious. On  Hanukkah, his mother had their Menorah on a dimmer.

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One day a drunк minister gets pulled over by a police officer.
Police Officer: Have you been drinking alcohol?
Minister: No, sir. Just this bottle of water.
Police Officer: That looks like a bottle of Chardonnay to me.
Minister: (looking up) Sweet Jesus! You've done it again!

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John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling.
The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says,
"See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY! "
John replies,
"Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays. "

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Q. How do you know God has a sense of humor?
A. Because he designed mens bodies to become more stiff with age except in the place they need it.

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If God created the Sun on the 4th day, what did he use to count the days before?

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