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A Nigerian Pastor and his driver died in a car crash and went to heaven. Both of them were welcomed. The angel on duty showed the driver a 3-storey duplex of pure gold and said "this is your mansion". He showed the pastor a small wooden shed and said "this is your dwelling place!"
The pastor was confused. "I don't understand", he said. "Why should my driver get a golden duplex while all I get this wooden shed for eternity? I have been a faithful preacher for several years."
The angel replied, "when you preached, people slept. But whenever your driver drove, people cried to God!"

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40 Scousers arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter consults with God and says to them, “We’ve only got room for 12 of you so you’ll have to decide amongst yourselves who comes into the house of the lord.”
5 minutes later St. Peter says to God, “I don’t believe it, they’ve gone!”
God says, “What, all 40 of them?”
St. Peter says, “No, the gates!”

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Three guys are at the gates of Heaven, and God tells them, "We have a special today! If you died a terrible death, you're in for free." So God asks the first guy his story. "I was a hard working man and a loving husband, but I began to suspect that my wife was cheating on me. One day, I called in sick to work and left for home to hide and closely watch my apartment. I saw a man go in, and I decided to wait a few minutes to catch them in the act. Then, I started ваnging on my door. They wouldn't open it, so I broke down the door and walked in to see my wife sitting nакеd, but the man wasn't in sight. I went to the balcony, where I saw a nакеd man hanging on the edge. I began to stomp on his hands until he fell down, but there were bushes, so I got my fridge and tossed it on him. In the process of tossing the fridge, I also fell over and died." God replies,
"Wow, that's pretty bad, finding out your wife cheated and falling off your balcony. You pass." The second guy says, "God, my only сriме was that I enjoyed dancing nакеd in my apartment while eating pickles out of the jar. I was doing just that one day, when I slipped on a pickle and fell over my balcony. Luckily, I was able to grab on to the ledge below mine. After a few minutes, a man came and I thought he was going to rescue me, but he began to stomp on my hands. I fell, but luckily, I fell into the bushes. I thought I had survived, but that man threw a fridge at me and I died!" God replies,
"Wow, that's very cruel, being crushed to death." The third man says,
"I died nакеd in a fridge."

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Religious leaders have been confusing us lately. Religious leaders tell us if we do good things, you go to Heaven. And then some of them do bad things, and it makes me think maybe Неll's the cooler place and they're holding out on us.

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And God said to Adam - I will make you a woman.
What is a woman Lord?
God replies, “A woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will cook and clean for you and do everything that you ask without complaining. She will provide every sеxuаl fantasy you will ever think of and meet all your sеxuаl needs. She will bear your children and raise them without complaints. This woman will be the perfect companion for you.”
“Wow! That sounds great,” exclaimed Adam. “Where is she?”
“Not so fast,” said the Lord, “A woman this fantastic is going to cost you.”
“How much,” asked Adam
“An arm and leg,” God replied.
Adam thought about this for a moment, and then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”
And the rest is history!

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After a long while, a graduate of Religious Studies got a job with a Charitable Organization, and was given an incentive to own a cell phone.
The very day he got the phone, a robber who asked, “your handset or your life”, accosted him, he responded and said,
"My life"!

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Clocks in Heaven
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s President Obama’s clock?” asked the man.
“Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He uses it as a ceiling fаn.”

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On one particular Sunday, the pastor was giving a sermon on the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because 2 Corinthians 9:7 says in it that "God loves a cheerful giver."
As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew, quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the offering plate. His mother, somewhat embarrassed, asked him what he thought he was doing.
The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully. So I did!"

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While sitting through an exceptionally long sermon, little Donny was getting more restless by the minute. Suddenly in a loud whisper, he blurted out, "If we give him the money now, do you think he will let us leave?"

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The Parish father passed away. He left two hundred dollars to each nun in his will. The nuns were each deciding how best to serve others with the money they had received. Sister Mary Catherine noticed a man in tattered clothing sitting on the curb across the street. She walked up to the man, handed him the 200 dollars and said, “God's Speed.”
A week later a well dressed man came to the Parish and asked for Sister Mary Catherine. She soon arrived and noticed it was the very man she had given the two hundred dollars. The man handed her a fist full of cash and said,
"Here's your share! I went to the track as you suggested and God's Speed took first place at twenty eight to one."

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God’s vacation
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God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, “You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?”
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St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, “How about Jupiter? It’s nice and COOL there this time of the year.”
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God shakes His head before saying, “No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.”
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“Hmmm,” St. Peter reflects. “Well, how about Mercury?”
“No way!” God about screams. “It’s way too hot for me there!”
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“I’ve got it,” St. Peter says, his face lighting up. “How about going down to Earth for your vacation?”
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Chuckling, God remarks, “Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they’re STILL talking about it!”

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I'm Jewish, but I don't really follow the religion. Last time I was in temple, I was 13. I made my two grand -- I got out of the business.

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Pakistani to his Wife:
Our pathan watchman is casanova. He has f*ckd every woman in our buildng excpt one.
Wife: It must be Lady on 4th floor. She is very religious.

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3 young men met one pretty lady after church service. The men decided to introduce themselves. The first man says, I am Joseph but not the dreamer, the second man says I am John but not the Baptist and the last man says I am Abraham but not the father of nations. The pretty lady said hello to her new friends and introduced herself as Mary but not a virgin.

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Eric went to confession on Saturday and he told Father Duffy that he had an affair with a married woman from the parish. Father Duffy asked Eric who she was and Eric said,
"Father, I can't tell you."
Father said,
"If you don't tell me I can't give you absolution."
Eric again said,
"I know Father, but I just can't tell you."
Father Duffy then asked,
"Was it Mrs. Murphy?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Mrs. O'Malley?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Mrs. O'Brian?"
"No, Father. I just cannot tell you who it was."
Father Duffy tells Eric to go out and think about it and then come back when ready to confess who it was. Eric leaves the church and runs into his friend Jim. Jim asks, "Did you tell him you had the affair?"
"Yes. He wanted to know who it was, but I wouldn't tell him."
"What did he say? Did he give you absolution?"
"Oh no, but he did give me three new possibilities........"

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One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, ‘Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?
‘Flat on his аss, Father, over by the holy water.’

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A higgs boson particle goes into a church and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”

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A minister parked his car in a no parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note:
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

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