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“One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, “No.” The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.” The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!” The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE “Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.. “Yes,” cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!” The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with AISHWARYA RAI. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT’S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE .”
MORAL OF THE STORY: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others… 
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After getting all of The Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”
“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” continues the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
“Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my licence,” moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the Police approach, but the policeman takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and get on the radio.
“I need to talk to the Chief Inspector,” he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief Inspector gets on the radio and the policeman tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
“So arrest him,” says the Chief. “I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the PC.
The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important,” said the PC.
The Chief then asked, “Who’ve you got there, the Mayor?”
Pc:
“Вiggеr.”
Chief:
“Mp?”
Pc:
“Вiggеr.”
“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”
Pc:
“I think it must be God!”
Chief:
“What makes you think it’s God?
Pc:
“He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!!”
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I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven”?
“NO”! the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven”?
Again, the answer was, “NO”! By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven”?” I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, “NO”! I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven”?
A six-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE Fuскing DEAD
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A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a sтuрid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.
So off he goes with an ugly, sтuрid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, Steve replies, “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centrefold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these God-awful women.
Don replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sеx any man could hope to have. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Every time we finish having sеx, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, “Fсuкing income taxes!”
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A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the
Secretary, “I would like to join this dамn church.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
Misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Listen up, dамn it. I said I want to join this dамn church!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
Church.”
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform
Him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have
To listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, “Sir,
What seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no dамn problem,” the man says. “I just won $200 million bucks
In the dамn lottery and I want to join this dамn church to get rid of
Some of this dамn money. ”
“I see,” said the pastor. “And is this вiтсh giving you a hard time?”
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It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p. M. he finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding!"
She said,
"Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!"
He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of."
The next morning as they were driving to church, she said,
"I can't believe that you're insisting on doing this! You know, If you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in the car during the service."
He said,
"OK, then, suit yourself!", so she stayed in the car.
Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hеll-fire and brimstone sermon on SЕX that just had the congregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, some of he members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window. One of them said,
"Wow! you just missed the best sermon your husband has EVER given!"
She said,
"Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big but he's only tried it twice in his life! "Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times!"
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