A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a sтuрid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.
So off he goes with an ugly, sтuрid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, Steve replies, “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centrefold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these God-awful women.
Don replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sеx any man could hope to have. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Every time we finish having sеx, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, “Fсuкing income taxes!”
It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p. M. he finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding!"
She said,
"Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!"
He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of."
The next morning as they were driving to church, she said,
"I can't believe that you're insisting on doing this! You know, If you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in the car during the service."
He said,
"OK, then, suit yourself!", so she stayed in the car.
Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hеll-fire and brimstone sermon on SЕX that just had the congregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, some of he members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window. One of them said,
"Wow! you just missed the best sermon your husband has EVER given!"
She said,
"Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big but he's only tried it twice in his life! "Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times!"
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he
Realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.”
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.”
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sеxuаl activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, “Man riding a bike.”
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
Could he кill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, “My bike.”
A young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field.
Being concerned about the farmer’s soul the preacher asked the man, “Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?”
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, “Naw, these are soybeans.”
“You don’t understand,” said the preacher. “Are you lost?”
“Naw! I’ve lived here all my life,” answered the farmer.
“Are you prepared for the resurrection?” the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer’s attention and he asked, “When’s it gonna be?”
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, “It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day.”
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, “Well, don’t mention it to my wife.
She don’t get out much and she’ll wanna go all three days.
Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail.
Out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other.
Finally, the Pastor says,
"Where is God?" The boy just sits there and doesn't answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says,
"Where is God?"
The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer.
The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?"
To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office. The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, feasting on God’s Holy Word, and praising Jesus.”
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, “You fellows don’t even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear.”
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
The wife replied, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee.”
The husband replied, “I can’t believe that; show me!”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says……….
“Hebrews”
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven.
There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No?
St. Peter told him that’s bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No?
St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No?
St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime.
Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”
The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Неll’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.
“Wow”, said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen”?
“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.
(This is an excerpt of one of George Carlin’s classic stand-up routines) … …
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When it comes to вullshiт, big-time, major league вullshiт, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. … No contest. … Religion. …
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Religion easily has the greatest вullshiт story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of TEN things he does NOT want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!
But He loves you!
He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, but somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good вullshiт story. Holy Shiт!
But He loves you!