A young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field.
Being concerned about the farmer’s soul the preacher asked the man, “Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?”
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, “Naw, these are soybeans.”
“You don’t understand,” said the preacher. “Are you lost?”
“Naw! I’ve lived here all my life,” answered the farmer.
“Are you prepared for the resurrection?” the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer’s attention and he asked, “When’s it gonna be?”
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, “It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day.”
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, “Well, don’t mention it to my wife.
She don’t get out much and she’ll wanna go all three days.
Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail.
Out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other.
Finally, the Pastor says,
"Where is God?" The boy just sits there and doesn't answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says,
"Where is God?"
The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer.
The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?"
To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office. The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, feasting on God’s Holy Word, and praising Jesus.”
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, “You fellows don’t even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear.”
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
The wife replied, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee.”
The husband replied, “I can’t believe that; show me!”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says……….
“Hebrews”
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven.
There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No?
St. Peter told him that’s bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No?
St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No?
St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime.
Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”
The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Неll’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.
“Wow”, said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen”?
“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.
(This is an excerpt of one of George Carlin’s classic stand-up routines) … …
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When it comes to вullshiт, big-time, major league вullshiт, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. … No contest. … Religion. …
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Religion easily has the greatest вullshiт story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of TEN things he does NOT want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!
But He loves you!
He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, but somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good вullshiт story. Holy Shiт!
But He loves you!
George loves the race track.
One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this Priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.
George was most interested to see what the Priest did the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the Priest step out onto the track as the 5th racehorses lined up and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though another long shot, the horse the Priest had blessed won the race.
George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
The Priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won!
George was elated.
As the day went on, the Priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.
George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the Priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and anointed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
George placed his bet every cent he owned - and watched the horse come in dead last.
George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the Priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I’ve lost my life savings, thanks to you!!”
The Priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with you
Protestants … you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.
A guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter issues him a white robe, a harp, and his very own cloud to float around on.
The guy thinks this is great.
One day he sees another cloud float by.
The guy on that cloud has a gorgeous, nакеd woman and a keg of вееr with him.
The first guy finds St. Peter and complains to him, How come this guy gets a gorgeous ваве and keg of вееr, when all I got is this white robe and a lousy harp?
St. Peter says, I know just who you’re talking about. He’s being punished.
The guy can’t believe what he’s hearing.
How can that be?, he asks.
Well, says St. Peter, The keg has a hole in it, and the girl doesn’t.
A rabbi ends up seated next to the pope on a long plane ride back to Rome.
After a while, the Pope leans over and says “Rabbi, something about your religion has always puzzled me - those dietary restrictions. Tell the truth, have you ever eaten pork?”
The rabbi, somewhat sheepishly says “Well, yes in truth, I have.”
Later, the rabbi turns to the Pope and says “Tell me, Your Holiness - I’ve also been somewhat confused about some aspects of Catholicism. Have you ever had sеx?”
The Pope, also sheepishly says, “Well, yes in fact, I have.”
The rabbi, conspiratorially says “It’s better than pork, isn’t it?
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service. One Sunday, the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
The minister told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed. He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep, then who is the shepherd?"
He was expecting the kids to refer to him. A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said,
" Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, caught somewhat off-guard, said to the boy, "Well, then, and who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."