Father Pedro was called to a house to attempt to expel an evil spirit from an elderly woman. He brought an assistant pastor to help with the procedure. The woman's daughter answered the door and motioned to where her mother was sitting. The Father walked over to the woman, waved a cross, and shouted, "Out, demon!"
He then tore off his robe, revealing running shoes and jogging shorts. Then, he rushed out the door and ran a quick mile around the block. Returning to the house and donning his robe, he went over to the woman and shouted, "Out, you filthy devil!"
And again, after removing his priest's outfit, he was out the door to run another mile. The old woman's daughter was confused about the priest's behavior and asked the assistantpastor, "What in the world is going on here?"
To which the pastor answered, "Oh, that's just the way Father Pedro exorcises!"
A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it.
Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. “Son-of-a-вiтсh,” he yelled.
The eldest nun said to him, “That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn’t use such language.”
“Sorry, Sister”, he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. “Son-of-a-вiтсh”, he yelled again.
“Please, don’t use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn’t help us.”
“But I get so upset, and it just comes out.”
“Well,” said the nun, “say something else when you get upset, something like ‘Sweet Jesus, help me.”
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say “So..”, but he corrected himself and said, “Sweet Jesus help me.” At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.
The nuns looked at the car and said, “Son-of-a-вiтсh!”
A Jewish woman entered a hotel. There was a sign that read:
“Pets welcome, Jews not welcome”.
Undaunted by this the Jewish lady Mrs. Rosenburg, asked the hotel owner for a room please.
The innkeeper said, “Sorry we have no vacancies.” Mrs. Rosenburg replied, “The sign says VACANCIES right there!”
The innkeeper said, “Mrs. Rosenburg, you know we don’t allow Jews here.”
Mrs. Rosenburg repiled, “I will have you know I have converted to your religion.”
The innkeeper said, ‘Oh really. Then tell me how JESUS was born?”
Mrs. Rosenburg replied, “He was born of the virgin Mary in a small town of Bethlehem in a manger.
The innkeeper said, “That’s right and why was he born in a manger?”
Mrs Rosenburg slammed her fists on the counter and shouted, “BECAUSE SOME ВLООDУ SORRY АSS OF AN INNKEEPER REFUSED TO GIVE A JEWISH LADY A F**KING ROOM”
Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter told the girls, “Before entering you must answer this simple question.”
“Which is …?”, they replied in unison.
“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the first girl.
“Oh yes”, she said. “I was a virgin before I got married, and was still virgin even after I got married.”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl… the golden key.”
“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the second girl.
“Oh, quite good”, she said. “I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married.”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl… the silver key.”
“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the third girl.
“Oh no, not at all”, she said. “I practically had sеx with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime.”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl… my room key.”
There was a guy who owned his own business. He sold plastic products to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burned to the ground. This led to many orders being canceled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. This guy was in real trouble. He could lose everything. …
…
Well, the guy decided to see his minister. He said to the minister, “I need help! My warehouse burned to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!”
The minister told him, “You can find all the answers to your problems in the Bible.”
The guy asked, “Where should I start?”
The minister answered, “If you do not know where to look, just open the book and place your finger on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answers.”
Well, A few months later the minister ran into the individual. It was obvious the individual had become very successful. He had a new car, new clothes, several rings and chains.
The guy walks over to the minister and says, “Thank you. The answers I found turned my life around!”
The minister was curious and said, “In what passage did you find your answers?”
The man says, “I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - “Chapter 11.”
The Mother Superior assigns the three newest nuns the task of painting the foyer of the Church. “Everything you need - paint, drop cloths, paint rollers, roller trays, masking tape - is in the foyer. One last item: Mask all the woodwork and paint carefully. Do not get even a drop of paint on your habits.”
It is a Tuesday in the middle of summer and the heat is stifling. Even more so, as the central air is only turned on for Sunday services and Wednesday worship and choir rehearsal.
The three young nuns confer for a while about the heat and keeping the paint off their garments. One suggests that they sтriр off their habits, and paint in the nudе. They carefully drape their garments over one of the pews and lock the front door of the Church.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. “Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“The Blind Man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The three nuns look at each other and shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the Church, so they unlock the door.
“Hey, Nice тiтs, ladies,” says the man, “Now where would the good Father be wantin’ me to install these blinds?”
There were three nuns driving down a highway one afternoon when they lost control of their car and plunged off a cliff.
They awoke and found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter walked toward them and, after greeting them, told them that they would have to answer one question each before they were admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven.
This made the nuns very nervous. They had never heard of this requirement before. Finally, one nun stepped forward and said, “St. Peter, I’m ready for my question.”
St. Peter replied, “Your question is: Who was the first man on earth?”
The nun breathed a huge sigh of relief, and said, “Oooooooooh, that’s an easy one. Why, it was Adam.”
(And purple lights flashed, bells tolled, and a Heavenly choir of Angels sang as the gates of Heaven opened.)
This was a cause of great relief to the remaining nuns. The second stepped forward without hesitation.
St. Peter said, “And you must tell me who the first woman on earth was.”
Another great sigh of relief, “Oooooooooh, that’s an easy one. Eve,” the nun replied.
(And purple lights flashed, bells tolled, and a Heavenly choir of Angels sang as the gates of Heaven opened.)
The third nun was brimming with excitement. “I’m ready St. Peter!”
St. Peter said, “All right, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”
The nun was shocked. “Oooooooooh, that’s a hard one.”
(And purple lights flashed, bells tolled, and a Heavenly choir of Angels sang as the gates of Heaven opened.)