There was a guy who owned his own business. He sold plastic products to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burned to the ground. This led to many orders being canceled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. This guy was in real trouble. He could lose everything. …
…
Well, the guy decided to see his minister. He said to the minister, “I need help! My warehouse burned to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!”
The minister told him, “You can find all the answers to your problems in the Bible.”
The guy asked, “Where should I start?”
The minister answered, “If you do not know where to look, just open the book and place your finger on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answers.”
Well, A few months later the minister ran into the individual. It was obvious the individual had become very successful. He had a new car, new clothes, several rings and chains.
The guy walks over to the minister and says, “Thank you. The answers I found turned my life around!”
The minister was curious and said, “In what passage did you find your answers?”
The man says, “I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - “Chapter 11.”
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing. …
…
One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.” …
…
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. “All right,” he said, “give him the dog.”
The Mother Superior assigns the three newest nuns the task of painting the foyer of the Church. “Everything you need - paint, drop cloths, paint rollers, roller trays, masking tape - is in the foyer. One last item: Mask all the woodwork and paint carefully. Do not get even a drop of paint on your habits.”
It is a Tuesday in the middle of summer and the heat is stifling. Even more so, as the central air is only turned on for Sunday services and Wednesday worship and choir rehearsal.
The three young nuns confer for a while about the heat and keeping the paint off their garments. One suggests that they sтriр off their habits, and paint in the nudе. They carefully drape their garments over one of the pews and lock the front door of the Church.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. “Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“The Blind Man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The three nuns look at each other and shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the Church, so they unlock the door.
“Hey, Nice тiтs, ladies,” says the man, “Now where would the good Father be wantin’ me to install these blinds?”
There were three nuns driving down a highway one afternoon when they lost control of their car and plunged off a cliff.
They awoke and found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter walked toward them and, after greeting them, told them that they would have to answer one question each before they were admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven.
This made the nuns very nervous. They had never heard of this requirement before. Finally, one nun stepped forward and said, “St. Peter, I’m ready for my question.”
St. Peter replied, “Your question is: Who was the first man on earth?”
The nun breathed a huge sigh of relief, and said, “Oooooooooh, that’s an easy one. Why, it was Adam.”
(And purple lights flashed, bells tolled, and a Heavenly choir of Angels sang as the gates of Heaven opened.)
This was a cause of great relief to the remaining nuns. The second stepped forward without hesitation.
St. Peter said, “And you must tell me who the first woman on earth was.”
Another great sigh of relief, “Oooooooooh, that’s an easy one. Eve,” the nun replied.
(And purple lights flashed, bells tolled, and a Heavenly choir of Angels sang as the gates of Heaven opened.)
The third nun was brimming with excitement. “I’m ready St. Peter!”
St. Peter said, “All right, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”
The nun was shocked. “Oooooooooh, that’s a hard one.”
(And purple lights flashed, bells tolled, and a Heavenly choir of Angels sang as the gates of Heaven opened.)
The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.
“Brothers, sisters,” he said solemnly, “it has come to my attention that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said that there is not one virgin left here. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise.”
Not a woman stirred.
The priest said, “I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly, but it is necessary to do so. Young women, I conjure those to rise who are truly virgins.”
And still not a woman stirred.
Wrath now moved the priest. “Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? This is an order from the Almighty: Let all virgins stand!”
And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.
The preacher stared with astonishment at the baby, then said, “Young woman, I’m asking the virgins to stand.”
And the young lady answered indignantly, “Well, father, do you expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself…?”
The nuns had been getting very restless in the convent, and the Mother Superior called a meeting to ask what was wrong. …
One of the young novices said boldly, “What we need are some men around here!”
…
Needless to say, the Mother Superior was shocked.
…
Another nun added, “It’s only human nature.”
The Mother Superior thought for a moment, then said,”Alright, sisters, I’ll issue extra candles. You can comfort yourselves with them.”
“No, no,” The nuns cried, “We’ve already tried those.”
…
The mother Superior was indignant. “They were good enough for me when I was young.” …
…
“You don’t understand,” said the outspoken nun, “We get tired of the same thing, wick in and wick out.”
A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, my Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."
The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak…
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men’s underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a соndом.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!…
A vicar is having a bath, and he’s a little down so he decides to, well, you know, “pleasure” himself. So he’s quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he’s just seen. Couple of minutes later, doorbell rings - it’s the window cleaner. Vicar is understanably embarrased, and asks the man how much he owes him.
“50 quid” comes thereply.
“50 quid?!?” says the vicar, startled.
“Yep, 50 quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv.”
So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. Following week, the bishop’s round for his supper and is having a wander “round the vicar’s house, admiring his lovely home.
He says to the vicar, “Lovely clean windows you’ve got there vicar, who does them for you?”
“Guy from the village does them for me, does a great job, ” replies the vicar
“How much does he charge you?”
“Well, ” replies the vicar, “fifty dollars actually”
“Fifty bucks! Fсuк! says the bishop, “he must have seen you coming!”
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.
Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.
After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”
T he founder of an international nail company wants a new ad campaign, so he hires an ad agency to come up with a good tv commercial for his Wilson Nails. Tens of thousands of dollars later, the ad agency has a meeting with the director to premier their commercial.
The ad begins with a flying shot that zooms over a mountain (to stirring music, of course!) and begins closing in on three figures on the hillside. It zooms closer and closer and the viewers can now tell two of the men are dressed as guards and are nailing the third to a cross. The camera continues to zoom in - right up to the Wilson symbol on the head of the nail protruding from the crucified man’s hand. “Wilson nails - for the toughest jobs.” says the announcer.
Well, the head of Wilson Nails is livid. He cannot believe the ad agency was so flippant with the religious angle. He demands that they reshoot the commercial for free - and they better come up with something good this time or they’re fired.
After another few weeks, the ad agency has just completed reshooting the commercial and the head of Wilson wants it aired right away - he has no time to preview it this time, trusting them to have fixed the problem.
He is at home that night when the commercial airs. As before, the camera flies over the mountain and begins closing in on two figures this time. It gets closer and closer, until the viewers see the two guards standing beside a lone cross. In the distance, a man with a sheet around his waist can be seen running down the mountain. One guard turns to the other and says, “See, I told you we should have used Wilson Nails.”