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"Did you know Job spoke when he was a very small baby?"
"Where does it say that?"
"It says, 'Job cursed the day he was born.'"
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Three religious leaders walk into a bar. A Pastor, a Rabbi and a Baptist minister.
The bartender looks up and says,
"What is this, some kind of a joke???"
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Whenever I’m in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
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Charles Darwin was wrong we’re nothing like monkeys. I wish he was around now so I could throw my feces in his face.
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Q. What was Adam and Eve's address after they were thrown out the Garden of Eden?
A. 281 Apple
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How does a pastor keep the wheels of the church turning?
By preaching about hеll, fire and bridgestone!
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If Моsеs would have swallowed his pride and asked for directions, it probably would have taken them 40 years to cross the desert.
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There was an old priest in a small town who spent years listening to confessions, most of which had been about adultery. One day he had enough and said “If I get one more confession about adultery I will leave this town.”
Now the people really liked the priest and didn’t want to see him leave so they decided to start calling adultery something else. Eventually the word “fallen” replaced the word adultery, and people would confess to having fallen. This satisfied the priest and he stayed in that town for many more years until his eventual death.
After his death a new priest came to town and after a week came to the mayor. “Mr. Mayor you must do something about your sidewalks. I’ve had a dozen people come to me saying they’ve fallen.”
At this point the Mayor starts laughing, realizing that no one had told the new priest what “fallen” stands for. But before the mayor could say anything, the priest interrupts him. “I don’t know why you’re laughing Mr. Mayor, your wife said she fell five times this week.”
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Just seen a sign outside my local church that said “Why ask Google when Jesus has all the answers!”
So I went inside and asked them if they know any good мidgет p0rn websites.
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Поп и шофер
Το αποτέλεσμα
Умряли в един ден един поп и един шофьор
Умерли в один день водитель автобуса и священник.
Пред св. Петър се изправят двама души - шофьор и свещеник.
Перед вратами рая стоят водитель автобуса и священник. К ним выходит Святой Петр:
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Поп и шофьор умрели и се явили пред Свети Петър. Още щом видял шофьора
Il y avait dans un village deux hommes qui s'appelaient Jules. L'un était prêtre et l'autre chauffeur de taxi. Le destin voulut que tous deux meurent le même jour. Ils arrivent au ciel et se présentent devant le Seigneur. Jules
Piloten hade inga problem med att komma in i himmelriket. Prästen blev däremot otroligt förvånad och förtretad då han stoppades vid pärleporten. - Men vad nu då? Vad menas med detta
En busschaufför och en präst stod utanför himlens port. Sankte Per kollade i sin dator om båda borde bli insläppta. Till slut fick chauffören komma in. – Men utropade prästen – vet du inte hur han svär och lever om när han kör buss? – Jodå
En präst och en taxi förare dog och de båda kom upp till himlen samtidigt. Sankte Per stod vid pärleporten och väntade på dem. - Följ med mig! Sa sankte Per till taxi föraren. Taxi föraren gjorde som han blev tillsagd och följde med sankte Per till en stor herrgård. Herrgården hade all lyx som...
Un cura y un taxista se mueren y van al cielo. San Pedro los recibe y le dice al cura: - Bueno cura
C'est l'histoire d'un curé et d'un chauffeur de bus qui se retrouvent devant St. Pierre. Le curé est irréprochable alors que le chauffeur roulait si mal qu'il a causé un nombre incalculable...
Een priester sterft en wanneer hij bij de hemelpoort komt
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me'
En prest stod ved himmelporten og klagde til St.Peter: Presten: – Hvorfor kan jeg ikke komme inn? Det kom jo nettopp en full buss kjørende inn
İki adam ölür ve cennetin kapısına gelirler. Cennetin kapısında Aziz Peter beklemektedir. Aziz Peter ilk adama sorar: - Hayattayken ne iş yapardın? - Ben rahiptim
Op een dag was er een buschauffeur en een pastoor gestorven. Ze gingen allebij naar petrus om te kijken waar ze heen moesten; de hemel of de hel. De pastoor kwam als laatste aan en zei tegen...
A pap és a buszsofőr egyszerre kopogtatnak a mennyország kapuján. Kijön Szent Péter
Komen een slechte priester en een slechte buschauffeur bij de hemelpoort en samen worden ze naar hun verblijf gebracht. Eerst wordt de chauffeur meegenomen naar zijn kamer. Over de top luxe:...
After a preacher died and went to heaven
Egy taxisofőr és egy pap egyszerre halnak meg
En taxisjåfør kom til Perleporten. St. Peter fant navnet hans i boken sin og ba ham ta med seg en gullstokk og en silkekappe på vei inn i himmelen. Den neste i køen var en prest. St. Peter så...
Um famoso e respeitado padre paulista morre e chega ao céu. Na recepção
Un prete ed un tassista romano muoiono quasi contemporaneamente e si presentano quindi insieme ai cancelli del Paradiso. San Pietro chiede al primo
Un taximetrist moare si ajunge la usa raiului. Sfantul Petru ii da un toiag de aur acestuia si il invita in Rai... Imediat dupa taximetrist ajunge si un preot la usa raiului
Mirė tuo pačiu metu taksistas ir kunigas. Prieina prie dangaus vartų
This Priest dies and goes to Heaven…
When he gets there, he finds he’s being judged at the same time as a taxi driver. Sаinт Peter declares that the priest is going to hеll and the taxi driver is going to heaven.
The priest is outraged and asks how someone as pious as he is going to hеll, and someone like a mere taxi driver could achieve heaven.
“Well,” says Sаinт Peter. “When you were preaching your sermons, you didn’t do that much to increase piety in the world. In fact you put scores of people to sleep in the pews. But this taxi driver? You can’t believe how many people were wide awake, fervently praying as he sped through the streets.”
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What do you call an Arab who has a positive attitude and always sees the bright side of life??
A Sunni Muslim
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Have you heard about the new boy band that is taking Saudi Arabia by storm?? They’re called the Burka Street Boys.
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One night a priest who is driving erratically gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks him if he's been drinking. The priest says he's been drinking water all night. The cop sees a bottle of wine in the passenger seat and tells the priest what he sees.
The priest then nonchalantly says to the cop, "Jesus has done it again!"
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How do you castrate a priest?
Kick the alter boy in the back of the head.
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A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was nакеd."
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Two nuns are driving down a dark, winding road in rural Transylvania when they turn a corner to see a vampire hovering over what appears to be a body in the middle of the road. It looks up and hisses as the headlights illuminate blood-covered fangs. …
Sister Mary looks at Sister Elizabeth and says, “What should I do?”
Sister Elizabeth answers, “Show him your cross.”
So Sister Mary leans out of the window and yells, “Get the fuск out of the road you pointy-toothed ваsтаrd, or I’ll run your аss over!”
Then she leans back into the vehicle and says, “I hope that was cross enough.”
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Saw a fire breakout at my local mosque yesterday so I reported it to the emergency services.
Hopefully they got my message and did something to help otherwise it will have been a waste of a first class stamp.
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Got given a Jehovah’s Witness advent calender today. Every time you open the door there are 2 people standing behind it.
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