Sex Jokes

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‘He had ambitions at one time to become a sеx maniac, but he failed his practical.’
Les Dawson

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Q: What did the lереr say the the рrоsтiтuте?
A: Keep the tip.

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Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck.
Before long they are all getting pretty hоrny so they all make a deal. Each man will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next man in line will marry her and so on. All the men get sеx every five weeks and the woman gets sеx as often as she wants with a different man each week. The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies... The first week after wasn't too bad. The second week was geting sort of bad. The third week was getting pretty bad. The fourth week was really bad. The fifth week was horrible! By the sixth week it was unbearable... so they buried her.

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Q: Who did little Johnny see when he snuck into the church late one night?
A: Pastor Bedtime.

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What's the difference between a dead baby and a table?
You can't fuск a table.

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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

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Justin Timberlake didn't bring sеxy back Chuck Norris did.

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My favorite sеxuаl position is called "The Osama"...
Its where I burst into your room and вlоw a load on your face.

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In bed my girlfriend used to mentally dress me.

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What did the Irish spinster keep saying in her prayers?
‘Good Lord, please have Murphy on me…’

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A honeymoon couple go into a hotel and ask for a suite.
‘Bridal?’ asks the desk clerk.
‘No thanks,’ replies the bride, ‘I’ll just hang onto his shoulders.’

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Yo mama's so fат, when I finished having sеx with her and tried to roll off, I was still on her.

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A Lalu originally from Bihar now in USA went to India and brought a physiologically checked out virgin from a small happy town as wife.
Ideal Lalu decided to have first night in USA.
He prepared her, took their all clothes off and was ready to реnетrате for inтеrсоursе and young bride stopped him.
"What are you trying to do," she asked.
Lalu explained the spousal sеx.
The bride said, "In that case try my back hole it will be lots of fun for you."

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Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sеx so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away. So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers girlfriend having sеx and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! were making cake!” So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “ОМG! Howd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.

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Two old soldiers, Fred and Harry, are sitting in their club.
Harry turns to Fred and says, ‘When was the last time you made love to a woman?’
Fred thinks for a moment then says, ‘1947.’
‘Good heavens,’ says Harry.
‘That’s a very long time ago.’
‘Not reall

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Q. What do gаy kids get for Christmas?
A. Еrестiоn Sets.

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Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hеll.
Petrus says: You see Bill, we don't know what to do with you.
You may choose "heaven" or "hеll".
Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting around at a table.
Bill takes a look in hеll and sees really beautiful women, sеx, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling.
So Bill says : I am a gambling man, I want to go to hеll!
Once in hеll, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire.
So Bill says : hey, what the hеll is this, I saw all the gambling, the women, and sеx?
The devil says:
'That was just a demo version."

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When does a реdорhilе go to sleep?
When the big hand touches the small one.

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