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When you move and the Instagram filter disappears

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When you finally meet the guy that always your posts and decide to keep him:

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Q: Why shouldn't Facebook have paid $1 billion dollars for Instagram?
A: They could've downloaded it for free!

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If you're 13 and under and have a Twitter that's cheating.
You have to start from Myspace, to Facebook, then Twitter. Just like everyone else.

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Why is Facebook like to be in prison?
You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by people you don’t really know!
“When Mark Zuckerberg got married - Facebook raised $15 billion on the stock market. Zuckerberg listed the 10 things he loves about her, while she listed the 15 billion things she loves about him.” -Jimmy Fallon
“Investors are be able to buy shares of Facebook stock. It’s great - now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.” - Jimmy Fallon
“Facebook has estimated net worth - $100 billion. That’s almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time in Facebook.” - Jay Leno
“The two main websites in the world are Wikipedia, where you can learn about things you care about, and Facebook, where you can learn about people you don’t care at all.” - Craig Ferguson
“Facebook now has 0,5 billion users. The previous record holder was… hеrоin.” - Jimmy Kimmel
“Facebook has passed 500 million members. If Facebook was a country, it would be the third-largest country and the least productive.” - Jimmy Kimmel
“Computer hackers managed to shut down Twitter and Facebook for several hours yesterday. American productivity has jumped by 150%.” - Conan O’Brien

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my girlfriend said that if i get 10 kickass she would fuск me, tape it, uplode it on you tube, facebook, twitter and we will try 69 new positions. rate it. she does not want to fuск me.

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iPhone users update:
- I’ll screenshot it, I’ll tweet about it, I’ll Instagram it, I’ll write a blog about it, I’ll delete half of my contents for it, I’ll get enraged about it.
Android users update:
- *clicks update, gets on with life*

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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are divorcing and of course that means that Twitter and the Internet have exploded with jokes about their divorce and just how tragic Tom Cruise really is.
“Katie Holmes is Divorcing Tom Cruise. Apprently he’d been in A Few Good Men.”
“Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes finally decided that pretending to be in love was ‘Mission: Impossible’.”
“I was arguing with Tom Cruise about scientology. He said, ‘Try to see it from my point of view’. So I knelt down.”
“BREAKING: Katie Holmes cites Tom’s building of a space ship made from aluminium foil in living room as reason for divorce.”
“Tom Cruise wants to raise his kid as a Scientologist, and Katie Holmes wants to raise her as a Catholic. Either way this kid is sсrеwеd.”
“Oh, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced? I bet Oprah’s couch is thrilled.”

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Your family is so poor, you all Instagram the same plate of food.

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Instagram now permits video uploads. So now you can not only upload a picture of your food, but a video of it going into your mouth.

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December 21st will be the most annoying day in Twitter and Facebook history.

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A man is introducing his family:
1. This is my wife….. Google Fernandes.. if u ask one question she would give many irrelevant answers …!!!
2. This is our son.. Facebook Fernandes .. he makes sure that our personal matters reach the entire neighborhood…!!!
3. This is our daughter …. Twitter Fernandes… whole neighborhood follows her…!!!
4. This is my mother .. Whatsapp Fernandes … she buzzes all day commenting on everything..!
5. And I am, Myspace Fernandes … I have become irrelevant…….!!!:

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Teacher: What has the 2016 election taught us?

Little Johnny: You don't need to hold press conferences if you have a Twitter account!

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Click here for the latest Laffy Taffy Jokes
Why is a fат woman like a moped?
Both fun to ride but you wouldn’t want your mates to see you with one.
Yo momma so ugly that when she turned to the mirror her reflection turned away…
I was asked earlier today to submit a 1,000 word essay. I thought, “fсuк that”. So I just submitted a picture instead.
Even though we’ve been married for years, I’m still living the single life. Shiт food and no sеx.
I’ve just bought the new Beach Boys mobile phone. The ringtones are shiт but it has good vibrations.
What’s the smallest part in a BMW? The driver’s diск.
This lady in the shopping centre is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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Hi, do you want to follow me on twitter? My address is @millionairewithamassivecock.

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Well the last time I Tweeted, I was disqualified because Twitter said it was a chirp!

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I went for a self-defence class last night.
The instructor said, “I want you to take me by surprise and attack me.”
So, when I saw him in Sainsbury’s the next day, I threw a tin of beans at his head.
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