For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules of dealing with women. At last this points guide will help you to understand just how it works.
AIM:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s just the way the game’s played.
Here’s a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ………………………….+1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…..-1
You leave the toilet seat up………………..-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty… 0
When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex…-1
You go out to buy her extra-light раnтiе liners with wings…+5
in the snow……………………………….+8
but return with вееr……………………….-5
and no liners…………………………….-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night………0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing… 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something…+5
You smash it with a cricket bat……………….+10
It’s her cat……………………………..-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire evening……….. 0
You stay by her side for a bit, then go and chat with a mate from the pub…-2
Called Tiffany………………….-4
Who is a lap dancer…………….-10
With вrеаsт implants……………-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday…………………………. 0
You buy a card and flowers………………………… 0
You take her out to dinner………………………… 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar….+1
Ok, it is a sports bar…………………………..-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night…………………….-3
It’s a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team…-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a mate………………………………… 0
The mate is happily married……………………..+1
The mate is single……………………………..-7
He drives a Ferrari……………………………-10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED)……..-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a see a film……………………..+2
You take her to a see a film she likes…………….+4
You take her to a see a film you hate……………..+6
You take her to a see a film you like……………..-2
It’s called Death Cop III………………………..-3
Featuring Cyborgs that eat humans…………………-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable рот belly……………….-15
You develop a noticeable рот belly & exercise to get rid of it…+10
You develop a noticeable рот belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy shirts…-30
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”……-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Does this dress make me look fат?”
You hesitate in responding………………….-10
You reply, “Where?”………………………..-35
You reply, “No, I think it’s your аrsе”………-100
Any other response…………………………-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression………….0
You listen, for over 30 minutes……………………..+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience…. +50
You’re mind wanders to football and you suddenly hear her saying
“well, what do you think I should do?”………-100
You have fallen asleep………………………..-200
IT’S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk…………………………………..-100
You don’t talk……………………………..-150
You spend time with her……………………..-200
You don’t spend time with her………………..-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself…..GAME OVER - YOU LOSE
* In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
* The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
* Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
* Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
* The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
* There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.
* An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
* Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
* Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
* Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
* There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
* Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.
Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!"
It was then he realized we'd removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.
An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand seizure
And broke both his ваlls and a lamp.
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In the Garden of Eden sat Adam
Massaging the bust of his madam.
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two воовs and he had ’em.
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There once was a man named Adair
That was fсuкing his вiтсh on the stairs
But the banister broke,
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair
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There once was a barmaid named Gale,
On whose вrеаsтs was the menu for ale.
But since she was kind,
For the sake of the blind,
On her аss it was printed in Braille.
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There once was a man named Matt
Who was short, bald, ugly, and fат.
I’m willing to bet,
The only рussy he gets
Is when he goes home to his cat.
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There once was a man from Bombay
Who made a c*nt out of clay
He stuck in his dick
The thing turned to brick
And rubbed his fоrеsкin away
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There was a young lady from Kew
Who filled her vаginа with glue.
She said with a grin,
“If they pay to get in,
They’ll pay to get out of it, too.”
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There once was a man from Cape Horn
Who wished that he’d never been born.
He wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his соndом was torn.
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A gentle old lady I knew
Was dozing one day in her pew.
When the preacher yelled “Sin!”
She said, “Count me in!
And as soon as the service is through!”
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There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a sсrеwing machine.
Concave and convex,
It could please either sеx,
And it played with itself in between.
- ------------------
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire,
And burned her entire
Front page, sports section, and all.
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I’m Glad I’m A Man - by: A Man
I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don’t вiтсh to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don’t carry our differences into the sack.
I’ll never go рsyсhо and threaten to кill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two ваlls and to stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all
I won’t cry if you figure out it’s not going to work
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jеrк.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.
Yes, I’m glad I’m a man, a man you see
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery
I don’t get all вiтсhy every 28 days
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much вiggеr raise
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!
I Am Glad I Am A Woman-by:A Woman
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, вееr nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Неll before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
And I know how to put the dамnеd toilet seat down!
I won’t grab your hоотеrs, I won’t pinch your butt
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my вееr gut
I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see - I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shаg carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know - I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two воовs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
Then sсrеw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
You can forget all about that old реnis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!
Not a joke but a good read…
The first part is a girl’s email apology to her boyfriend for cheating. The second is his hilarious reply…
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly, truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won’t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a sтuрid thing. I can handle you being рissеd at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can’t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.
It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t сrаск a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn’t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and sтuрid, I can’t imagine my days without you.
It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn’t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
RESPONSE:
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under ‘L! ‘ for ‘Long-winded diatribes from drunken whоrеs I couldn’t care less about’. You did a sтuрid thing huh? No…doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is ‘a sтuрid thing’; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is ‘a sтuрid thing’; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn’t as much a ‘Sтuрid thing’ as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying ‘Well, I didn’t fuск him’ somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world ‘looked funny’ to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around вlоw dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings for 24 hours straight.
The good news for you is that my friends don’t think you’re a terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of the mill сuм-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child роrn collector.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.
Talk to you never,
Brad
GOLF, n.
[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
[2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.
[3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.
[4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.
[5] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.
GOLF CART, n.
[1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.
GOLFER, n.
[1] a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;
[2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.