Women - Page 37

In "I Am Legend", Will Smith survived alone for years. 24 hours after a woman shows up, he dies. AND that girl stole his bacon.

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A man and a woman started to have sеx in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Dамn, I wish I had a flashlight!".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

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Q: What's the difference between a hоокеr and a drug dealer?
A: A hоокеr can wash her сrаск and sell it again.

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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'
Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'
Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?'
Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the вееr, and the other 2 were on the phone.'

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I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer... but no one will do it.

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Jokes about Women Relationship Jokes

A man saw a lady with big вrеаsтs. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your вrеаsтs for $1000?"
She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her вrеаsтs for 10 minutes."
Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

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A woman who was driving down the highway pulled over to the side of the road when the policeman driving behind her turned on his lights and siren.
She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quietly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Yes, I do, officer," she politely replied.
"Interesting," said the officer. "Do you always loop it through your steering wheel like that?"

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A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well.
They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly соскs her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!"
So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.
"Why are you nакеd?" he asks.
"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you."
"Okay" the man replies "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a nакеd man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the f**k are you?" the man asks.
"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you are nакеd!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little ваsтаrds!"

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"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirтy, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

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Q: How are women and tornadoes alike?
A: They both moan like hеll when they come, and take the house when they go.

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Question: Why did God give men penises?
Answer: So men would at least have one way to shut a woman up.

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A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sеxuаl tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sеx with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

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A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!..."

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
“¨"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you're bad luck."

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I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, dumbo!"
So I corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's about as far as I remember.

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Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.

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There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.

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Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

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Agnes married and had 13 children.
When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, theyre finally together.
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

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