Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes

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Drunks
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their вееr. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says,
"What are we going to do?" The driver says,
"Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our вееr bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunк answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer," says the drunк. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
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A boy is born without a body and miraculously survives. Even though he has no body parts below the neck he manages to make it through high school and on his 18th birthday his father takes him out for his first drink. …
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The boy drinks his first вееr and instantly grows a torso. In utter shock, the father quickly asks the bartender for another вееr. The bartender reluctantly pours the boy another drink. After chugging it, the boy suddenly sprouts a left arm. …
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Very eager and excited, the father orders another drink. The bartender stated that 2 is enough for a boy’s first time and that he shouldn’t go overboard. The father is furious at the remark and demands that he give his son another round. After a big sigh, the bartender hands the boy another вееr. In a matter of seconds, the boy downs the bottle and grows a right arm.
The entire bar is enraptured at this point and begin chanting for one more вееr. The bartender flat out refuses. In a storm of frustration and excitement, the father jumps the counter and grabs a bottle of whiskey. The boy drinks the bottle dry and instantly grows two legs.
On his newly gained legs the boy stumbles out of the bar into the street and is hit by a truck and killed on impact.
The entire bar is in silence.
“Well,” says the bartender, “I guess he should have quit while he was ahead.”
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1. In the company of females, inтеrсоursе should be referred to as:
A. Lоvемакing.
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sеxuаl relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You always time your оrgаsм so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both сliмаx simultaneously.
C. You don’t miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sеx on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sеx with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A моrоn.
8. Foreplay is to sеx as:
A. An appetizer is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you маsтurвате:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You’re a little confused.
If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!!!!!
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An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, “I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what’s wrong with me.”
“Let’s begin with a few questions,” said the doctor, “do you drink much?”
“Alcohol?” said the man. “I’m a teetotaler. Never touch a drop.”
“How about smoking?” asked the doctor.
“Never,” replied the man. “Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it.”
“Well, uh.” asked the doctor, “do you have much sеx life?”
“Oh, no,” said the man. “Sеx is sin. I’m in bed by 10:30 every night…always have been.”
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, “Well, do you have pains in your head?”
“Yes,” said the man. “I have terrible pains in my head.”
“O. K.,” said the doctor. “That’s your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!
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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven, St. Peter looks upon them and says “Though you are all good men, you have sins to absolve before I can let you enter the great kingdom!” So St. Peter takes them off to purgatory. ….
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The first man had an addiction to sεx. St. Peter took this man to a room; inside were hundreds of women, fully nudе. The man runs into the room excited as can be as St. Peter says, ” I’ll be back in 99 years to see if you’ve learned your lesson.”
The second man is a serious alcoholic. St. Peter takes this man to his room and inside there was an endless supply of every type of alcohol imaginable. St. Peter says again, “I’ll be back in 99 years to see if you’ve learned your lesson.”
The third man was a chronic stoner. St. Peter takes him to his room, which is filled with endless amounts of marijuana, bongs, and pipes. St. Peter again says, ” I’ll be back in 99 years to see if you’ve learned your lesson.”
99 years pass and St. Peter returns to the first room, the sεx addict inside is so relieved, he repents on the spot. St. Peter allows him into heaven.
The alcoholic speeds out the door as St. Peter opens it. He begs for forgiveness and is allowed in.
St. Peter opens the stoner’s door only to find him joint in one hand, pipe in the other, rocking feverishly. The pothead looks up at St. Peter shaking and says, ” Hey, you got a light, man?”
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