Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes

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I walked into a pub and said to the barman, “Stella please mate”.
He said, “Are you 18?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “I can’t serve you then.”
As I walked out I thought to myself, “This is the fourth pub - what does a 22 year old have to do to get a pint round here?”

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My boss called me.
“Why are you late?!” he asked angrily.
“I’m stuck behind a group of bikers.” I replied.
“Can’t you just ask them to move over?” he said.
“But they look aggressive,” I said, “And the barman hasn’t served them yet.”

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It’s a ten minute walk from my house to the pub.
Weirdly, it’s a two hour walk from the pub to my house.

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“A large whiskey please.” I said to the barman today.
“Hang on a minute, Dave.” he replied, “You promised me last night that your lips will never touch another glass!”
“Correct.” I said, “Pass me a fсuкing straw.”

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A man weaving up to a local bar orders a whiskey. The bartender Joe, noticing the condition of Tony, says,
"I can't serve you Tony, you have had too much to drink."
Tony walks around the block and comes in the side door and orders a whiskey. Joe again says,
"You have had too much already. I can't serve you."
Tony walks the block again and comes in the back door and orders a whiskey and before Joe has a chance to refuse him the drink, Tony says,
"Hey Joe! How many places do you work at?"

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Mr. John Smith was travelling home after the annual Christmas office party. …
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He had had far more than the legal limit to drink and was pulled off at the road block for an alcohol test.. …
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He was asked to get out his car. The police delayed quite a bit in attending to him (There were plenty of drunken drivers on the road that night), so he decided to go home. …
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The next morning at 6.00AM there was a knock on his door, and it was the traffic police officers who asked, “Why did you leave the roadblock last evening ?” … …
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Mr Smith denied this, saying that he was home the whole evening.
He was then instructed to open his garage door.
When this was done, the police officer asked him, “Mr Smith, if you were home all evening, can you please explain what this police car is doing in your garage ?”

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I found out last night that alcohol is no substitute for a woman. After 3 hours in intensive care the doctors finally managed to remove my c*ck from my bottle of Budweiser.

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Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.

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A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

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My first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting didn’t go well.
I couldn’t remember my name.

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I was stopped by the police at midnight and asked where I was going.
Im on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.
The policeman asks, Really? And who is going to give a lecture at this time of night?
My wife I said

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If you wet your feet your throat will reject. If you ‘wet' your throat your feet will reject.

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It's better to have business with a drunк professional than a sober idiот.

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I used to drink all brands of вееr. Now, I am older Budweiser!

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I don’t understand why drunк me always seems to have more money than sober me.

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In my experience there's two ways to get things done, the right way and the drunк way.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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Santa Singh and Banta singh are sitting in a bar sipping Black Label Johnny walker when Banta singh noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a corner.
As he was getting up to talk to her.
Bar Tender said “Hey don’t worry about her, She is lеsвiаn! “.
Banta singh “Lеsвiаn or no lеsвiаn, I get all of them” and he stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table.
Then leaping forward in a very sеxy voice he said, “Where exactly in Lеsвiаn, you from?”

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