Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

You can assume that, for the next 2 weeks, there is Baileys in every cup of coffee I drink.

0

0

For me, being "clean and sober" means I'm showered and headed to the pub.

0

0

The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of вееr out of the fridge before the light comes on.

0

0

I got home from the pub at 3am this morning.
My wife screamed, “Where the fuск have you been?”
I said, “I left the pub at 11pm, but I was so drunк it took me 4 hours to find our house. I’ve been across fields, through bushes and I’ve got some really deep scratches.”
She said, “Well that’s sтuрid, why didn’t you just get a cab?”
I said, “Because I had the car.”

0

0

I'm giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait, sorry. That came out wrong.
I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

0

0

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

0

0

I collect bottles sounds better than Alcoholic.

0

0

I walked into a room full of women last night and was pleased to see I’d immediately got their full attention…
But then nightclubs corridors are dark and the signs on toilet doors often confusing.

0

0

By the cup of Nescafé even the most secret thoughts turn into words, and by the bottle of vоdка - into actions.

0

0

Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I’m a ball of fun when I black out.

0

0

I didn’t see much of myself in my newborn daughter until I babysat her last night.
At feeding time I made up a bottle for her. She drank far too much, then burped, threw up and fell asleep.
Now I see the resemblance.

0

0

A guy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one вееr chaser.
The bartender lines up seven shots and goes to get the вееr.
When he comes back with the вееr only moments later, all seven shots were gone.
The bartender says,
"Wow! You sure drank those fast."
The guy explains, :You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy reaches into his pocket and says,
"Fifty cents!"

0

0

I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don’t own an iPad.
Also, I’m out of vоdка.

0

0

I liked вееr so much that my family didn't know I drank until they saw me sober!

0

0

If you see me with a water bottle, there's probably vоdка in it

0

0

Hypnotists reckon they can cure alcoholism merely by implanting an idea in the drinker’s head.
It’s a sobering thought.

0

0

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey ! How about it ваве ? You and me ?”
As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”
She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch ?”

0

0

My wife and I used to have a rule:
“Don’t Start Drinking Until the Children Are in Bed.”
But the kids really got upset being tucked in at 4:30 in the afternoon.

0

0